7/30 in 2016

hello! i know i’ve been mysteriously absent on this website for the last month (or two). i’ve thought about writing a few times but haven’t even come close to doing it and i don’t know why. but here i am.

i still feel like my brain is trying to destroy me but in the past few days, my anxiety hasn’t been too bad. it comes in waves, of course. i still have a doctor’s appointment set up in a month and i’m determined to talk about it.

last month cole and i celebrated his birthday and he actually let me meet and hang out with his friends. he went to florida for a week and our 3 month anniversary passed while he was gone. surprisingly he remembered before i had to remind him.

things still feel…weird. i still feel like i’m putting in way too much effort and not receiving the same amount back - but things DO feel a lot better than before. i broke down in tears just the other night in front of him and finally told him i was afraid he was going to break up with me and that i just felt upset about everything. he assured me wasn’t going to break up with me and he loved me and it made me feel about 18% better which is better than nothing.

but he hasn’t stayed at my apartment with me in almost two months. he doesn’t seem to want to get physical with me (what is sex??? it’s never gonna happen) and any time he is affectionate with me i just feel overjoyed because it’s kinda rare. he hasn’t really met my family even though i’ve met his several times. he IS going to my sister’s house with me next weekend for a few days which feels like a big, positive step for us.

maybe i’m just starting to realize how his personality really is. i thought i already knew. he’s goofy, outgoing, and friendly. but he also hides his own feelings and problems. he can be selfish. he gets grouchy easily. he doesn’t like vocalizing his feelings very often and i know he gets uncomfortable when i cry in front of him. i’m okay with all of this, i really am. i have 1000 of my own faults and quirks that he probably can’t stand. i’m passive aggressive and sometimes i’m really quiet and i cry all the time. but i adore him. i think i could love him forever if he’d let me. i hope he does.

the part that makes me the saddest is how he was before we started dating/right after we started dating to now: how we spent all our time together, the sweet messages he left me as i was sleeping, how he said he was so happy to be with me. those things don’t really happen now and i guess it’s because we are used to each other. but i don’t know. i don’t really know anything.

i am very tired of feeling sad, anxious, and hopeless. i really hope i can get the help i need soon. it doesn’t feel right to put the burden of my own emotional and mental trouble into the relationship i have with him. it’s not fair to him.

some days, like today, i really need comforting after a particularly rough few hours at work or being stuck in my own mind. and today i realized i didn’t really have that. my last text to cole says “i just had a really bad day” and i think he’s too busy to reply. it’s okay. i’ve been relying on myself for years and i can continue to do it.

thanks for sticking through this word vomit if you read until the end. i really was all over the place.