lindsey evan same different in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

so today.on the way to the mall. [well the aurora mall]. I was thinking about Lindsey. she was. well we were at least friends. and maybe more. and I still feel like i should ‘get over her’. cause i feel like we were together. but we didn’t........i mean nothing.........we weren’t really in, a relationship. at the end we wanted different things.i wanted more than she did. but i always do that. same w/ evan. and i think same w/ my ex. so ya know that might be more my problem than anyone else’s. nothing’s ever good enough for me. whoa um wow.
Deep down I still hope that we’ll see each other. er as in get together not as in date. but even if we did I might [and probably would] still have the same problems and still want more. and i don’t know that she would. So maybe I’m better off not.doing that. god the last time we talked was it was 5 yrs. ago at least i was 23. I don’t know if it was our last conversation but it feels like it was. she knew about the rape. and we were talking about that apparently via phone and she said ‘i can help you just not the way you want me to’. so she wasn’t saying no. but at the time i couldn’t handle those words. i’m the kindof person who thinks people should be everything to me they should be there literally all the time. and the only ones who actually will be there all the time are those sobriety psych. types. that’s not the way i mean it though. and the hotline people the 24 hr. hotlines well that’s different it’s a different dynamic so.
She’s not saying no. no i was the one who did. to her. just like w/ evan.
yeah apparently i’m not good in involving people in decisions I make about myself and the other person. yeah and that’s the thing is I make them. ya know it’s not us making them it’s me making them. [or perhaps you don’t know].
Looking back I wish and i still wish i’d handled things better w/ Lindsey. I wish i’d i don’t know emailed her...........called her instead of publically blogging about it. but even if I had it still might’ve turned out the same so. but um. I’m at the point now where. 8 really do wish her the best and 8 hope she’s content. and i think she is. she’s one of the kindest people i kknow she’s wonderful. i just, gave up cause i got so caught up in all the things i didn’t like that............well anyway. she’s my ‘someone like you’ and she’s my ‘something’. the the beatles song.
i was as mentioned thinking about it thinking about her earlier.today and ya know.I don’t think I want to forget her. [er well obvs. or else i would’ve tried. no i........no[. maybe that’s all there is maybe she’s one of those people who will always mean something to me. and there’s nothing wrong w/ that i just.I see it slightly differently. also and ok. she was my first kiss..........w/ a girl. [and yes.i kissed a girl and i liked it. she’s a good kisser too]. wow. so cmon that’s pretty meaningful.
and again. she’s my someone like you and my something. is all really.