A Muddle in Need of Reassurance in Everyday Ramblings

Today I feel as if I am covered in a creeping vine.

Many people might caution me in saying this, wanting to hang onto the illusion of summer but there are signs of fall out there everywhere under what has been days of gloomy skies. Today the glare is brighter and we might get some clearing later.

The creeping vine I am covered with is composed of anxiety. Having already been through two intense dental surgeries this year, facing the prospect of another one tomorrow that actually will impact the structure of my jaw and sinuses and spending a huge chunk of my cash retirement savings to do it…

Grumpy the dwarf has been my close companion so far this week, and yesterday after a testy work meeting with a bunch of folks who were required to do something they didn’t want to and someone who I respect questioning and correcting my knowledge publically I admit to having been in a horrid mood.

A glowering angry fearful despairing mood, a can I please just walk away from this loathsome job mood, a oh gosh the news is so disturbing mood, how delusional do people need to get mood, and an absolutely totally and completely I hate my hair day mood!

It is because I am afraid. Afraid of the pain, afraid things may go wrong, afraid I will need to have additional surgeries, afraid because a mentally ill egomaniac narcissist is convincing people he needs to be our leader even while manifesting breathtaking lapses in judgment.

Last night I went with R (a student and coworker) to S’s house for dinner. She set a table for us out in her wild garden and made a simple but delicious curry with Nan and a salad and then had shortcake and berries for dessert. I could eat most of it.

And bravely we started talking about politics and spent the rest of the evening talking about politics. And we found a huge patch of common ground. After all the divisiveness one is hearing these days I was impressed at how we, at least, could in talking it through see value in some of the concerns of the folks at the convention in Cleveland this week.

It helped my mood enormously to be able to relax and chat about things that matter in a safe and congenial place. Not to mention having a cheerful standard poodle paying a great deal of attention to me. :)

Carlo and Diego were not amused when I finally got home.

We have since made up and they are sleeping while I do Saint Joe’s job today.

Nimrod likes to feel magnanimous and is allowing me to work from home, for which I honestly am grateful.

Another factor in the grumpy continuum is that even though I walked all the way up to the top of campus to our weekly farmers market to get flowers for S, I neither hit my step limit yesterday or got my regular mid week(ish) grocery shopping done.

I had a big cheerful class on Monday. The new folks are lovely, compatible and there was much laughter throughout even though I was preoccupied and would sometimes say foot when I meant leg and other confusing instructions. They all gave me the benefit of the doubt for which I am also grateful.

So I am afraid and I am annoyed that I do not appear to be in charge. What is up with that???

It is interesting to me how when I am feeling vulnerable and out of control I become, well, needy. Where most times I am just fine tooling along in my own little world doing things I enjoy or feel obligated to do, when I am scared I want reassurance and to be paid attention too.

Isn’t that what most of us want and need? I just hope I can be a little more selective and intelligent in terms of who I choose to receive that reassurance from than a large contingent of my fellow Americans right now in Ohio. Not that I have an opinion or anything.

Last updated July 20, 2016