i wanted him to be there. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

so almost 2 wks. ago now. well it will be on this coming fri. um it’ll be 2 wks. since i told evan my decision. and i was in tears when i told him. omygod. i[‘d also been feeling a panic attack come on but more on that later. so you know in a way i kindof needed that push]. um. and as i was telling him that i felt myself physically curling up a little. and i wanted him to be there [so what’s new there right] i wanted him to physically be there. it might’ve been easier or harder or well it would’ve been different anyway. oh god.
i wanted him to physically help me. even though. i was turning him away.