Two Lovers in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

Today is my first day off in 15 days. I got to relax and get a lot done… Until I found this Tumblr page that is just this person putting random people/bands/objects into an image made to look like the opening credits of The Love Boat. I know that sounds incredibly odd, but I cannot stop laughing at the ones that I’ve found. So I spent like an hour scrolling through at least two-hundred stupid pictures of The Love Boat. I know, it’s incredibly stupid, but frankly, my mind needs to be occupied by something stupid for a little bit.

Randomly today I started talking to Ileana, Edgar’s younger sister, who went with us to Paris. She is also moving back to France in a few months, in fact, while talking we realized that we’re basically on the same timeline. Except she knows where she’s going to live: with her boyfriend in Avon. She’ll be attending school at the Sorbonne so she’ll be commuting to Paris.

Last night, someone from the Facebook group posted a live video of her walking through Paris to a random Farmers Market. It turns out that she was walking through my old neighborhood to the Famers Market I used to go to. She walked past the door to the courtyard I entered to go to school, the bakery where I’d get a croissant and coffee before class every morning, she walked past Chez Jimmie which was such an important part of my nightlife there, she even walked past the back entrance to my apartment building. And even though it was Sunday, I could just remember what it was like to walk those streets myself. I kept wishing she’s make a left turn and go to Les Artisans and have one of those awful Ginger Rum shots with Jean or Jean-Baptiste (I don’t even know if they still work there, but that’s why it’s a fantasy).

You see, I don’t dream about sex anymore… I dream about Paris.

I shared the video with Ileana, and she expressed the same kind of sentiments. Her destinations were different than mine, of course, because we didn’t actually spend any time together in Paris. But she did mention a cafe which I recognized from the video which was where she and Edgar had their first meal in Paris. It was nice to hear that story.

I’ve often tried to avoid having any désires for Paris. I’ve always assumed that it was really just a reflection of my desire for Edgar, and I’ve tried to let go of that as much as possible. Whenever I see Edgar, I find that dragon rising in me again. Even when I last saw him, at hi stand-up show, all I wanted to do was tear his clothes off and kiss him and start all over again. I’ve never felt anything like that. Trying to not get caught up in that is like trying to avoid a riptide in the currents of the ocean, you can’t swim against it, you just have to swim parallel to your place of safety.

That’s why I’ve tended not to dwell too much on my time in Paris or Paris itself. Paris and Edgar always seemed like two interconnected things and I was looking forward to the opportunity to create a new imprint of Paris in my mind. But that isn’t really necessary. When I really think about my time in Paris, I realize that Edgar and I spend a significant amount of time apart. He didn’t spend too much time at Les Artisans with me, we had separate classes, except for one English class. He didn’t get to now Margot too well. We went to karaoke together, but he didn’t make friends with Chloe or their whole group. Because of my French skills, I had a whole level of independence that eclipsed nearly all of the others in our group.

I made friends in Paris completely independent of persons connected with our group in California. Only two others, both French 4 students, did that. I realized that my desire for Paris is connected uniquely to Paris as well just as my desire for Edgar is able to exist separately from Paris.

I guess I needed a good reminder that I had two lovers over there.