Stronger. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve definitely had time to think and realize I’m stronger today than I was yesterday, and even last week for that matter. Work is going alright and I’m able to not only focus when I’m there, but have gotten back to actually enjoying it. I worked all day yesterday and then went to my parents and had a beer. I was out there until about midnight last night and then drove my Dad’s vehicle home. I still haven’t heard from the old roommate and don’t think I will, at least until after the court date.

It’s been decided that I will be moving my cars at some point here in the near future and plan to bring them back eventually. It sucks because I like them all here with me and be able to drive whichever one I decide for the day, but I’d rather have them safe than keep them here knowing I have people who are probably planning to do bad things to them because they are mad at me. It’s not a fun feeling and at this point, I’m extremely paranoid but I do blame myself as this person should have never been here in the first place.

The memories still haunt me. I still think about him doing my hair, going to cruise around, how happy I was that I finally had someone who I thought was going to be a forever part of my life. I think about the good but then I remember the bad. I just can’t let go of all the broken promises, him never being emotionally or physically present, and how he didn’t have plan to stay in contact once he left whether it ended on bad terms or not. He made it undeniably clear that I was nothing more than a place to live.

It’s getting easier and I’m really glad. This time last week, I was complete wreck and now, I’m becoming more and more accepting of the situation and learning to keep living my own life. I just hold on to hope that someday I’ll find a decent person that will come into my life and stay for the right reasons. I’ve put up with all the shit I didn’t deserve and maybe someday I’ll get all the stuff I do deserve. I have to believe that or else I’m never going to be in a good place.

I actually enjoy coming home after work now. I like knowing I can come home and feel comfortable. I don’t have to worry about him being here and wonder if he’ll talk to me or if he’ll just be silent and sit on the couch. I don’t miss how shitty he made me feel on the daily and how I’d sit and question why. It’s nice to not have to spend all my time thinking about why he treated me so terribly or have to worry about him or what he’s doing anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still care and sometimes wish he would call or text me but I know he won’t. He got what he wanted and he’s done moved on.

He’s at his friends house and I’m okay with it simply because that’s where he wanted to be the whole time. He spent most of his free time there anyway. I think at the end of the day, we both got what we wanted and it wasn’t this. I know he wasn’t happy here and that’s why he was only here to sleep. This was just a place until he had to move on. I didn’t matter and I couldn’t continue living that lie. I know someday I’ll find a friend or a relationship where I will matter so I didn’t want to stay in a situation where I was never going to be anything to someone. I’ve spent too much of my life that way and I couldn’t do it anymore.

My parents came and we switched cars back. I gave them an old vacuum, we visited for a few and then they went home. I’m super fucking tired from working all day yesterday and not getting home until 1am last night. I’m going to nap and then maybe see the little one. My brother has pissed me off severely this week and that’s another reason I’ve stayed away. I’ve also been exhausted as fuck from all the drama and having to take shit to storage, clean, work, and run on 5 hours of sleep every night. I need time to recharge. I also have 3 day shifts next week, in a fucking row and I’m not looking forward to it but I do like getting off before it gets dark too.

Anyways, I’m going to lay down and watch tv. I’m thankful for all of you that follow my diary and leave notes to support my decisions and make me feel better about everything. Thank you so much.