What I Want in Ultimate Randomness

I spent a vast majority of the day drinking today. Yeah, maybe not the best idea, but I couldn't help it. I am terrible at coping with my problems, especially ones I have no control over and cannot fix. But I could not help thinking of the things I want in life and why I can't have them. In the short term, I wanted to have a nice day with my wife. Unfortunately, I am too nice of a guy and told her that, because she was not feeling well and because we were about to be hit with a rotten storm that would leave the streets icy, her boy toy, W, could stay for today and tonight. In the very short term, while he was gone, I really wanted to have sex with my wife. But did I make a move? No, because I am a pussy and I also wanted to spend time cuddling with her. So I took the latter and relegated myself to once again listening to them have sex whilst I masturbated. Damn voyeurism. Speaking of, another thing I would actually like, believe me or not, is to watch her have sex with someone else. But, as I said, that isn't happening so I am stuck with what I did. In the long term, I want her back. I really want her to be my actual wife again instead of this farce we put on for everyone else. But that isn't gonna happen either. Yes, she loves me and yes, she wants me to be happy, but I can't be. As I broke down in her arms earlier, I confessed that I have an 9 year large gap in my chest that hurts like hell. The only thing that can fix that is being with her and being loved by her, but realistically, I don't think that is going to happen. And it kills me...or I wish it would. I hurt so bad most of the time that I want to die. But when I really look at it, it isn't the pain I feel that makes me want to die. It is that I am starting to realize the pain she has felt the last 5 years of our marriage and the fact that I hurt her that bad makes me want to die. And I wish I would. But I am too much of a pussy for suicide too. So I drink or work or mope, but nothing takes my mind off of what I have done to her. That is why I drink. That is why I am always up late sitting at the computer, writing here. Now, as I've said, I am going to see someone soon and maybe that will help some. But there is such a huge piece of myself missing now, I don't see how that can ever be fixed. And I know I am not masking it that well. People we have both worked with and others have told her that they are afraid I am going to explode soon. Fact is, I am more likely to implode. I am not the kind to take others down with me. I just wish I would hurry up and die so people can get over it and move on. I don't think I am strong enough to mourn my relationship and, even if I did meet someone else, it would never work out because I am always going to believe it is destined to fail. And because I could never see myself cutting her out of my life. Something needs to change, but I can't take losing her. The more I lose, the more it hurts.