That Would Be Something in Everyday Ramblings

We have had much glowering in our skies lately, heavy threatening humid cloud cover but just occasional rain. There is this sense of foreboding out there, an eerie oppressive mood. It looks like we might get clearing this afternoon for a day or so, which will be a relief. The traffic, at least on the surface roads, has been a bit better but the freeways are still jammed packed.

I had a big class Monday for summer. Not too big, but big with one enthusiastic and wonderful newcomer and a fragile woman who sat in a chair and observed clearly uncertain about the whole enterprise. There was a lively sense of community and I really do see this as the high point of my week even though I often find addressing the needs of so many various bodies a preoccupying challenge.

We had a big discussion at my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday about weighing ourselves. Until I reached my goal weight I only weighed in at the meeting each week, never at home. I tracked my points and got my activity and tried not to think about the scale.

But then once I firmly was established at my goal weight I thought that I absolutely did not, fiercely did not, want to gain the weight back again and so to monitor that I started weighing myself every morning at home and tracking that.

The problem with weighing oneself everyday is that one can talk one’s self into the illusory mindset that one actually has control over one’s weight on a micro level.

When I thought about stopping smoking almost 30 years ago, every time I thought about stopping I smoked more until the day I stopped. When I thought about giving up Diet Coke, which I did almost three months ago, I started drinking more until the day I didn’t anymore.

(Kes left a bottle in my fridge over three weeks ago and while it has been talking to me I have been talking back and I am thrilled to say that she has also stopped drinking it as well.)

I think part of the problem lately for me is that I have watched my weight climb incrementally since February I get anxious and eat more because eating is what I do when I am anxious.

So this week I am not weighing myself.

It feels like freedom. As if the sun has come out. I am still tracking my food and eating appropriate things, yummy things, I splurged and bought some cubed smoked gouda last night but that I must be good, I need to eat clean self talk is muted and replaced with…”I am making good choices”. For gosh sakes I put beautiful organic golden beets in my smoothie yesterday!

My friend F. is having a big 80th birthday party bash at the church on the 30th. She won a swing band in an auction/raffle thing for charity. I am going to wear a dress.

Much musing and fretting has gone into the dress decision. I don’t have one that fits.

I saw some beautiful frothy summery ones online and they have been following me around everywhere I go on the internet but the outlet has bad reviews and they are expensive so in the end I ordered a simple sleeveless dark blue purple (ish) sports dress (that I can wear over sandals and shorts) from someplace I trust that was on sale.

Now I need to find a little sweater or a shrug to wear. There is a gorgeous deep red garnet one I am looking at that will add a strong pop of color that will make my more extroverted friends and students happy. A number of my students will be at the party. A bit spendy, as we say here in Oregon, but I can wear it to work.

It is interesting to explore why we dress how we do, what part is for us, and what part is as a social animal. And where we find ourselves on the effort to appeal, or feel attractive scale. And how that changes with age and in relationship.

No matter if my weight is up or not right this minute I am enjoying the release from the tyranny of trying to control it. I lost the weight following the guidelines Weight Watchers provided. I’ll just keep doing that.

There is plenty of other stuff to fret about in this increasingly narcissistic world and for today I will focus on that. And given the fact that I am supposed to be modeling rest I could try not fretting at all. :)

That would be something.