Idea? Maybe? Possibly? in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

I know I don’t have time (certainly) but… I want to write a Self-Help Book. Not because “self help books are easy” and not because “there’s a guaranteed market” but because… honestly… I think I could, and I think it would be good.

I listen to Motivational Speeches and not only do I think, “I could do that!” I also think… these guys are talking about “working through the pain” a lot.... what… the pain of failure? the pain of working out? What do these guys know of pain? When you wake up in pain, live your life in pain, then go to sleep in pain… when that guy is saying “work through the pain”… it means something different. It goes from “Achieve your dreams despite limitations” and becomes “Life isn’t easy. But don’t let it make YOU hard. Life isn’t fair. But don’t let that become an excuse to say I CAN’T.”

Plus… it might bring REASON to what I’ve experienced. I could write my story but share lessons. Like… I am super weighed down by my own impostor syndrome. I was talking to Wife about this recently. I speak well, think on my feet, and write well. (Honestly, writing that sentence was difficult. I told myself each time “don’t qualify or equivocate! Say ‘well’ and move on!”) But… I have always said, “Speaking, thinking, and writing are the things we teach kindergartners. If that is what you are good at… congratulations, you have the talents of a primary grade school child.” Seriously… I’ve thought that my whole life. But my wife is quick to point out that she can’t think on her feet, or speak well, or write well. And that others don’t speak well or write well. And it kind of opened me up to… we’re all impostors. None of us can do everything well… so we need to embrace what we can do and.... the whole thought trail kind of became a chapter’s worth of self-help stuff.

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Despite what I wrote previously… I’m starting to wonder if I’m really cut out for this. Because… this morning, I was good to go. Pumped, energized, ready to do my job with determination. Got to the office, launched immediately into work. Left for the court house, good to go. Courthouse negotiating plea deals for an hour… all right! Walk back to the office and… I don’t know if it was the oppressive heat… or the fact that I was immediately asked to do something new without direction… or what… but I sat down and....

Sucks. Considerably. I would like to blame the heat… and the work environment itself. Why? Because not only can I… it is another significant distinction between Here and Omaha. In Omaha… Public Defenders, Prosecutors, and Judges are all in the same building complex connected by hallways, tunnels, and stairs. Since all three offices communicate with each other constantly and all have to visit one another often… it just makes sense. Meanwhile… Up North County? HA! First of all, there are no Public Defenders. There is no Office of the Public Defender in this county. You want a defense lawyer? Good luck! Second… prosecutors office? Yeah, no. There’s a DHS office where the Assistant works… or you could drive to Lala Land where the County Attorney works. And judges? Bitch, please. We get a judge around here every once in a while and they leave as soon as they are able to. And yet… it is a great mystery to the few (aging) lawyers in this area why they have such a hard time attracting new talent. Really? Maybe lawyers don’t want to come here because the kind of person who becomes a lawyer isn’t attracted to 500 miles of nothingness.

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Now I’m just mad at myself. This is ridiculous. I have a million things I need to do. Well, not a million. Like… 97. I have 97 things I need to do. But for some reason… it is like… I can’t break through and do them. I’m holding myself back and I don’t know why. I just get this… anxiety… and stop. Which is SO WEIRD! What I need to do is make a checklist; go through it; and check things off of it. That will make me feel better. BUT then I get stuck on “where to start” because… yeah.... the Clerk of Courts is always asking me to “fix cases” meaning… file the proper form… but the problem is: she’s asking me to do it because my boss is the one who filed the wrong form, or didn’t file a form, or said she’d file a form and never got round to it. So… yeah. My boss can’t hack her job… I can’t hack my job… and you’re asking me to help keep paperwork going smoothly? Lady… I just found out my OWN paperwork has been wrong for three months… seriously… the paperwork I had my boss look over and verify was accurate… hasn’t been. For three months. This is EXACTLY the kind of shit I’ve been talking about. It is more than just… I don’t know what I’m doing. It is more than just… I don’t have anyone training me. It is straight: Even when I get help, it is wrong. I am learning wrong; making mistakes that aren’t being corrected or called out; and I am being a bigger liability than an asset. And it bugs the hell out of me. I just… I just want to be able to do my job. WHY is that too much to ask? Grumph.

And I think a lot of the problem genuinely is me. I am the kind of guy where… you walk me through something step-by-step… I’ll have it forever. You unleash me and hope I figure it out… I’ll never get it. And I know Professional Jobs likely won’t be someone babysitting you for the first two months feeding you every answer… but seriously! This is fucking ridiculous and it is really hard not to be bitter about it. I don’t want to spend all day on the phone asking very basic questions of the Attorney General’s Office. It is not their job to train me on the day to day; they are there for the HARD things.

I guess… the only answer, the only solution, I’ve got… is to keep doing as I have been. Trying my best. Failing at every turn. Watching as things slip through the cracks. And then… hopefully… if I’m lucky… really lucky… I’ll be able to get a different assignment in a few months time… move to a place where the town is more livable… where the trainer/supervisor actually sees me once a week (or more)… that’s the hope, anyway.

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Ha… sad, true, funny, and yeah. My generation is certainly having issues. Because we did. We went from chalk on the street, GI Joes, and Richard Scary Books… to tablets being used by toddlers, Pokemon Go, and Internet Capable Book Like Devices. We were raised our entire lives being told that we’d live in a golden age of technological advancement… where we could be anything we wanted… follow your dreams and the money will come… a college education is a golden ticket to higher salaries.... all of that stuff. And then we got to college… and what started at $X thousand dollars, by the time we were leaving had become $2X or $3X thousand dollars… and the economic collapse. And the “recovery” which gave The Established more revenue but left The Just Starting in the cold. And… I’ll admit. I’m a lucky one, all things considered. My boss is eyeing the door… or the grave, whichever comes first. So they were desperate… literally desperate to hire someone, anyone. And while they certainly wanted someone with experience… nobody else applied. So… as awful as it is doing a job I don’t understand in a county that doesn’t care… I’m working. Which is more than I can say for a lot of people I know. But yeah… we’re sad, bitter, and angry adults.

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So… the question of “will I be staying in Tiny Town” came up today at the office where I work. No idea why… I think it is because they are trying to figure out who would take over for my boss when she exits. And I mentioned that, well… all of our friends and family are in Central Iowa or Eastern Iowa so it isn’t likely at this point, but we’ll see what happens in the next few months. Well… one of the ladies in the office came in to apologize on behalf of the town. Her words: “I’m a native here. Born, raised, work all of that. And I have never been to a town that was less welcoming to outsiders. Not me, mind you. I’m usually the person trying to greet folks. But I’m usually the only one.” Yup. That’s accurate.

So… it is like the World’s Worst Sundae.

We start with a damaged, cracked, and dirty bowl. (Town Appearance)
Then add two scoops of nothingness. One for the fact that there’s nothing in the town itself, One for the fact that there’s nothing in the entire county.
Pour a generous helping of Small Minded Unfriendly People.
Sprinkle in a corrupted, broken system of local government and County Justice.
And the cherry on top: this f’ing job.

Yeah… I sure stepped in it this time. How do I get myself into situations like this?
And… most importantly… why am I stuck here?! All I wanted was to come home. So… back to Iowa. Good! Except… as so many have been accurately saying… this isn’t Iowa. This is some bizarre other world stuck in the middle of Iowa. But… we honestly can’t get out. We’re stuck here for at least several more months. And after that? Who knows. Who knows what may or may not be available. I mean… right now, I’d take a bank job just to get back home… but.... ::sigh:: HEAVY sigh. I didn’t realize until we got here just how difficult going from “Never less than 100,000” to “7,000” people would be.

This is why I’ve been trying
trying very hard
to wake up in a good place
to keep a smile upon my face
Because this place is killing me
and taking what I want to be
and making me question all of it.
But the only thing to question
is the place itself
because if seven things are wrong
out of a possible ten
The things that are wrong need to be changed.
I studied to be a lawyer
I wanted to be a prosecutor
I still believe that I can do both.
But I studied in the 21st Century
and was asked to work in the 20th.
I suppose this is what an obsession with Time Travel gets.