Don't Think About It. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I remember the last time I thought I was actually happy. I was working two jobs, going to school full time, holding down a relationship and a social life. I was BUSY. After any required activity, I didn’t have to think about relaxing. Whatever I had done was done, and in the past. But as I say so often, I could never relax on my Day Off. It’s dedicated time to Relax.

Having an open space like that has never jived with me. Those Days Off, planning anything stressed me. Having to Go six days a week, I chalked it up to needing not to schedule stuff. But it’s more than that.

“Don’t think about it” is something I would jokingly say to a former coworker in terms of our store/company’s policies and how stupid they were. Just do it and don’t think about it.

I think too much. We know that. It’s a really difficult observation that I do best when I’m not thinking. The difference between impulsively engaging in an activity (you typically enjoy) and trying to plan it.

I’ve used this gif before, but it’s apt. Sure, over time, I learned to “schedule” my post-work evenings so I would actually do shit I wanted to, rather than space out refreshing internet pages over and over again. Short stretches after a stressful activity, absolutely it’s easy to improvise Relaxation Times. But an entire day? Just wake up and “relax”? Forget it.

It’s a double-edged sword, because if I try to fill my day with Stuff, then that Stuff itself becomes stressful. When I’m really depressed, even showering is stressful. “I gotta get disrobed, then I gotta turn the water on, then I gotta lather, then I gotta wash my hair, then I gotta..” There are times when breaking things into smaller pieces definitely helps, but other times it helps to just never thing about the minute things at all. Imagine if I thought about individually washing each dish that I have in the sink right now. Sounds like a lot of work! Except. Probably won’t take me that long.

I try to keep moving because sitting and thinking “it’s time to relax” will always do the exact opposite. Maybe that’s why yoga stresses me out. MAYBE. If I’m relaxed, it’s because I’m simply not thinking about it. Being engaged in something, fully engaged, meaning I’m not thinking about other stuff. Rather than trying to focus on something, feeling “okay, time to relax, try to focus on this.”

Are “layers of the mind” a thing? There’s usually some ultimate goal(s) we’re working towards, and the knowledge that if we don’t do Human Activities, we can’t get there. Sometimes, having that goal in mind works in your favor. And sometimes, it stresses you out too much. That is, relegating thoughts to more superficial parts of the mind to protect the sensitive parts. Doing all the things you need for a task without really thinking about the task you’re working towards.

Years ago, I told a friend “Just don’t think about it” in a literal sense. I wasn’t exactly in full control of my thoughts at the time, but now, I’m really not. To control your thoughts is. Well.

We work best when we’re not aware that we’re thinking. At least, among those of us who can’t turn it off. The difference between being dragged into sightseeing with family and having a running monologue with yourself, and hiking with friends and actually being fully engaged in the moment.

The title says it all, but nobody ever sold books by being overly reductive.

That said, my dishes are calling. I don’t recall ever being sad while doing my dishes.