Me doing this all by myself..
I really didn’t want to waste my breath going off on him.. But these damn hormones.
I basically told him that I thought it would be great to just party it up with my friends, avoiding all responsibility. It is beyond me how people can create life and have nothing to do with them. (Besides a friend or two of his, NO ONE in his life knows I’m pregnant with his child. It’s a secret baby on his end) Told him I’d never forgive him, and all that I need from him is a full family medical history. I told him also that he’s lucky he won’t have to live with the fear of raising a child alone (My Fucking 3rd!! I know, I take great decisions.. I’ll make another entry for my reasons of keeping this baby). He wouldn’t know how that stress and added hormones make you want to break down every second of every day.
He comes back with some shit about wanting to party, him not wanting to be with anyone.l, not just me. He said I’m not alone.. All I have to do is tell him what we need. He told his Mom or something. And blah blah blah really. That’s what I took from it. Something about I shouldn’t go off on him. What else? Oh, and I could do better.
Definitely didn’t need him to tell me that. I told him he didn’t deserve me. Thanks for the pep talk though.. And then I said I hope after his party days are done, he can live with his regrets.
He came back with “Likewise.”
Ugh fuck this. I’m angry! I fucked my life up again. I mean my kids are GREAT. I’m blessed! Well behaved, well mannered, polite. I mean yes, they do stupid, typical kid shit… But I’m very lucky, and shit I did that alone (lot of help from parents and brother) I know that in the end, we will be okay. I will make it.. Even if I’m all by myself. I have a strong support system. I’d be nothing without them.
I know my anger stems from fear. Fear of putting school on hold AGAIN. Fear of how I’ll work and pay bills.. With a baby.. My anger is not because I want him. I did not keep this baby to keep him.. He actually asked me that once (after already been given the reason why). I have always known I could do better. I’ve never told him this, but I have other people.. Even if he wanted to be with me, and all the times he drunkly slipped an I love you.. I’d never be with him. He’s obsessed with his ex wife who he hates so much and who is pregnant to her new man.. He drinks ALL the time. He is severely diabetic and doesn’t take care of himself… He hits on young girls.. It was just fun while it lasted, and accidentally a baby was made.
Fuck.
Right way/ wrong way..
I take the wrong way. Every. Single. Fucking. Time
I have a good heart though. I am meant to do something. I’m a great care giver, and I have a lot to give! I just make terrible decisions and suck at taking care of Sarah..
Fuck.
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