A Dog Named Chloe in I am I Said.

My world just lost about 10 pounds of joy. At approximately 12:45 p.m. I, with the assistance of Dr. Leslie, helped Chloe over the bridge. She went peacefully and quickly and never flinched and wagged her tail to the very end. Although I wanted her to pass peacefully at home, I could not and would not allow her to starve any further and this morning her eyes told me all I needed to know. We spent most of the morning snuggling with me talking quietly to her. She allowed me to cuddle her close for awhile, which also told me she was tired and it was time.

Chloe suffered in life, that we know. I can pretty much guess the life she lived before Nanci and John picked her up after seeing this image from a high kill shelter in NYC:

Nanci and her husband John agreed to pull her, they live in nearby NJ. I agreed to meet them at the NY/CT border, get her well, foster her and adopt her to someone. This is John bringing her to the vet before she came to me:

She met me with a wagging tail and a happy grin and I saw her and knew she wasn’t going anywhere. Rescues like to call dogs like (Venus at the shelter, Nanci wanted Shanah)ETR’s or End of The Roaders. I always hated that term, btw, just sayin’.

We drove home and waited for Monday to get her into surgery and get her eye fixed. From the very beginning she was just a really light spirit in spite of her being terrified of garbage bags, plastic bags and pee pads, nothing else bothered her or upset her. She was mostly silent unless the other dogs were all riled up and/or she was excited about eating.

She was so grateful for everything and at first it made me well up with tears when she’d get so excited to just eat or when the water was refilled. I’d tell her all the time she was going to get fed two times a day every day forever now and she could settle down. But she’d spin and spin and woo at me, these past five days she has struggled to eat. I cried this time for a different reason.

We took small steps and she overcame her fear of leaving the house to the yard; then we overcame her fear of going onto the deck. We never did get over her fear of garbage bags but she did come to tolerate them easier without flinching, cowering and/or splaying any longer.

Just within the past few weeks? We’d finally overcome her fear of the grass. She was terrified of the grass. When I put her up there she hurled herself off the retaining wall. Since being out of work so long has left me with little energy from depression and pain from the diseases, we had gotten to where she actually walked on the grass. It took slow steps of me sitting with her in my lap, to front paws on the grass. Progressing to all four paws on grass - then me walking a little bit away and watching her walk on it for the first time. It’s the closest feeling I’ll ever get to actually feeling the excitement of seeing my own child’s first steps, I guess. I was just that proud of her and thankful to have gotten it on video.

The dogs and cats felt something was not right as they too gathered around Chloe on her favorite place in the world, ‘The Big Bed’. Although, of course it’s never easy to say goodbye to any of my furkids, Chloe leaves a hole in my heart and home almost as big as Gizmo’s passing did, for different reasons.

In spite of that, she was so joyous and grateful. Grateful for everything the entire time I was blessed to be her mom. Every day was a good day for and with Chloe. Every meal and treat was celebrated by her, every night when it was time to go to bed she was happy as can be. In witnessing her spirit and joy in spite of the shitty life someone forced upon her - she managed to retain her inner joy, which in turn reminded me to also try to see through the bad and look for the joys in life. To her I am grateful for that, I will always need her gentle reminder.

There is no rose I can think of that will memorialize her spirit and because of that, I need to find another flower or tree that somehow means or reminds me of joy to plant for her. Because that one word epitomizes what Chloe was - Joyous. I did as I said and I stayed with you to the very end. Dr. Leslie wrapped you in a blanket and I escorted you to Rainbow’s End myself. Tomorrow I will return and pick up your cremains.

I love you my beautiful, funny, grinchy-toed girl, run free and share your joyful heart over that rainbow bridge. I sure am going to miss you, I already do, we all do.