On another Tuesday in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

As soon as I got home from work yesterday, I grabbed the tablet, started reading, and promptly fell asleep. This was… not appreciated by Wife who promptly woke me up and said that I “could go to sleep when it was closer to midnight.” Oof.

So after dinner and some unpacking… last night, my wife and I were able to engage in sexual intercourse without my wife needing to be dangerously drunk. Which is awesome as that means it is possible. Also, she was able to finish… which is great as it means she can get outside of her own head enough without the alcohol to enjoy the activity. But… once again… I was not able to finish. I’m starting to get a wee concerned. I mean, granted… after my wife finishes, we’re done. That’s how it works. But… I don’t know. I guess I wish my orgasm was as important to my wife as hers is to me.
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But enough of the fun stuff. Work! I still get that unfortunate feeling when I walk into work… that sour pit in your stomach kind of feeling. I find it unpleasant. As soon as I sat down (on time) I bring up the usual tabs. Facebook, Prosebox, Legal Filing, Court Schedule, and E-Mail. As I peruse Facebook, trying to figure out where I should start for the day, Cecilia comes in to deliver new case filings on various cases. I can’t help but wonder if she gets upset when I’m on Facebook like this. It makes me wonder if she says the things about me that she says about my predecessor. I hope not… as my predecessor had been an attorney prior to joining the County Attorney’s Office. But I also understand why he acted “lazy and apathetic.” When you aren’t being developed or getting any kind of help… it is easy to say “Fuck it.” Of course, that isn’t my way. Even when it should be. But that may not come across when I have weeks like this. LOADS of trials and hearings and cases… to the point where, even when I catch what I’m forgetting, I still miss more that I’m not aware of.
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None of this made any better by, well, the obvious. The obvious that I still feel lost. But even more… the obvious that I am sleepy. Going cross eyed at my desk. Thus, all things considered… maybe tonight will be considerably different. A little food, a little video games, a little “self expression” and then very early to bed!
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Trying to wrap my head around today. I have my first ever chiropractor’s appointment today so I have to get some things done before around 2. That being said, I’ve hearings all day tomorrow and should prepare for those. As at least the very first part of preparation… I suppose I should figure out exactly which cases are tomorrow and make sure I have what I need to proceed.
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But… of course, there isn’t any time for that. Because there are seven things that the Court is asking me to do immediately. None of which I’ve done before. None of which Cecilia knows how to do. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where there is a significant problem. Imagine if the individual responsible for enforcing the law in your area were me… with no assistance and no experience. Would you be happy knowing that your safety was in my hands? Because I wouldn’t. But then, I also wouldn’t be happy knowing it was in my boss’ hands. As it has come out that an order she filed at the beginning of May had a completely nonesensical paragraph in it. I am astounded and legitimately sickened by how this has been allowed to go on for so long. My boss has been in her position for 30 years. For the first 25, her Assistant Attorney was the former lead prosecutor. Good, someone to watch over her and make sure the county is being handled well. For the last five years?! REALLY not so much. And as she herself has gone downhill unchecked, the attorneys brought in as Assistant have not received the proper training or assistance. And that is where my stress comes from. Knowing that this county has consistently been disappointed and let down until my arrival. And, this isn’t a slam… this is factual, with my arrival… the county now has the least experienced lawyer in Assistant that they have ever had. It is like watching a bomb timer tick down and my arrival represents 3-2-1. How very unfortunate for everyone involved. I am trying to “suck it up and deal with it” for the moment… but that is very very difficult. It is very hard to attempt to convince myself that it is “okay” that I will fail in significant ways for the next few (several) months. That is how I am going to have to learn. But it is frustrating to the point of infuriating. Because case success matters, even in your early days, and I don’t want this place to be the reason I never get to be in a city where I’d be happier. If my failures here prevent me from getting to a county where I’ll be trained and happier. That would be the most fittingly fucked up thing ever. To have taken this job for the “initial experience” and then this job and that experience prevent me from getting any other jobs.
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My brain is stupid. For some reason… what I really want to do today is sit in a home office, drink tea, and write fiction. That is what I want to do today. Instead, I’m sitting in a Department of Human Services Office (as the county doesn’t have a County Attorney’s office)… waiting for my boss to tell me how to do something (though I know she won’t)… worrying about cases for this week… and (again) feeling pretty lost about life and my career. And my relationship.

Which is silly. My marriage is actually going pretty well, all things considered. But I do wish my wife could figure out what makes her happy. I do wish my wife was more “action” than “speech” as she is always claiming she wants to find her future career and wants to look the way she’d like; but rarely does anything to further those goals. Most of all, while I am SUPER happy about our intimacy these days..... it still seems lacking. I mean, it does not AT ALL feel as lacking as it did for those three years where she refused to have sexual contact with me… THAT was lacking!! But… there is no passion in our sex lives. No fun or thrill. Nothing that says, “Lets do something for us!” It seems more and more like Wife is saying, “I’m not rejecting you anymore, isn’t that enough?” And… maybe it should be. But… call me greedy… I want more. I want some excitement. I want some fun. I want foreplay. I want my wife to care about her appearance. And.. I suppose… Aoife did spoil me a bit. I am not a complicated man to arouse. All things considered, it can be done rather simply with the right combination of words said in the right way. Or the right dress worn at the right time. Or special footwear. Or an indicator that says “Maybe, probably, wouldn’t you like to know?”

And that is how Aoife spoiled me. Much as my Wife does, Aoife knew what could get me worked up. But unlike my wife, Aoife used it. Really four things.
(1) There was a particular red bra. She’d always wear it when she wanted to feel sexy. So if she told me she was wearing it, or if I saw the straps of it… that would get my heart pumping faster as it was an indicator of “Maybe, probably, wouldn’t you like to know?”
(2) Aoife and I valued the power of words immensely. It wasn’t enough to just say, “I’d like to engage in sexually stimulating activity.” No, it was a verbal dance to try to figure out what really turned the other person on. It was less “Do you like legs?” and more “How do you feel about the prospect of long legs wrapping around your body?” That… that certainly gets my heart pumping faster.
(3) Aoife was aware, as everyone who knows me is aware, of my penchant for legs and leg coverings. Nylons, stockings, pantyhose, fishnets; that sort of thing. It is a big “positive trigger” for me. And we would talk about it. Not just, “We’re both academic individuals curious about what turns the other on” but… she’d bring up things like, “Pantyhose are fine for a tactile sense, but shouldn’t stockings be better as you can enjoy that sense while having better access to the vagina?” But even more than that… since she knew I had an interest, she would actually wear them from time to time. As opposed to wife… who knows I have an interest, bought them one Valentine’s Day, and has never worn them.
(4) What my wife was like in High School, Aoife was like for as long as I knew her. My wife loved trying out different “clothing identities,” as evidenced in a number of her high school photos. Aoife was never bound to a single look. She’d go from t-shirt and long skirt, to full on gothic velvet dress, to business suit, to tank top and jeans. It is still like pulling teeth to get my wife to wear anything other than a blue polo and khakis or a boy t-shirt and jeans.

And that is all just out of the bedroom stuff on how… well, as I said above. I am not a complicated man to arouse. All things considered, it can be done rather simply. And I appreciate that wife has gone from “No.” to “Isn’t it enough that I’m not saying no.” But… I also don’t think it is wrong for me to want my wife to want me. And before you ask, yes… I have attempted at long length to discover what arouses her, what turns her on… if I would wish for her to do more for me, I should be willing to do more for her.... but the only answer that ever comes back is… ???? I know she prefers a man with a good job and a bit of masculinity… she finds romance to be a sign of weakness… but even she doesn’t know what turns her on outside of the bedroom. Bah. See… this is the kind of stuff my mind would RATHER be solving. Or playing with. How can I get a job as a “Trashy Romance Novelist?” I think I’d prefer doing that.