6/27/16 in 750 Words

Oh dear lord… I really messed up.

Well, not messed up, but I didn’t continue the way I want to. It seems that when I don’t have anything to talk about I tend to ramble and fill my words, but when something that I should/could talk about comes up, I tense up and don’t say anything.

The first day of this huge group is the day that my dad contacted me on facebook for the first time in 12 years. I’ve not been able to figure out what I want to say to him or how I feel about it. He’s talked to Maili a bit these last twelve years, and talked to Ben a lot, but this is the first time he’s talked to me and it really messed me up emotionally. This is honestly the first time I could think/write about it without a storm of emotions welling up inside of me. I really want(ed) to tell him to bug off and die, but I can’t do that. I figure I’m going to reply to him today, something polite and nice but not personable. I’m willing to talk with him and attempt to learn to be civil and whatnot, but I don’t think I’ll let him in again, not on any sort of level.

Mom doesn’t want anything to do with him, at all. She told me when he asked for the address to send divorce papers to, that she doesn’t want him to have our home address, so I’m going to give him the addy to my work. I don’t mind him knowing that I’m working here, he can’t get to me.

That’s the big thing that’s been weighing on me. There’s little things, thoughts about Nate’s and my relationship, the family, finances, etc. It just got a little too much to deal with for a while and I went nearly fully withdrawn. Last week I ended up having a horrible morning and didn’t have the energy to pretend to be ok at work. Luckily, it was a morning where I didn’t have much to do with other people, so I could sit in my cubicle and cry until I was better. It only took an hour.

I sold my PAX tickets. I couldn’t afford to go, not with Pat going through chemo and being unable to work. Maili’s still not working. I told her to look for unemployment. She laughed and said that as soon as she finishes the paperwork, she’ll have her job back at the shop. So I told her to get the damned paperwork finished fast. My savings is completely drained, I’m holding onto everything by the skin of my teeth. I’m thinking I’m going to have to start doing something – selling either my maile/buttons, or start going through my possessions to sell them. The only problem with that is that I don’t have anything really worth anything. Electronic wise, I don’t have much that’s mine and what I do have isn’t worth much at all. My books aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on, and yeah. I feel pretty damned worthless right now.

I think that’s the problem I’m having, why I can’t write and don’t want to journal – I’m feeling worthless, like I’m not able to do what I need to do. I know, logically, that I’m doing what I can but it doesn’t help the fact that I’m looking at my wallet, seeing nothing, looking at my account, seeing that I’m overdrawn, and knowing that I can’t really get any help.

I’m just so damned tired of all this. I want Maili to get back to work. I want the bills to work out, I want to be able to save up again. I want to… I don’t know. I want to have a life where I don’t have to sacrifice everything I have and am, in order to make it so that everyone else is taken care of. It’s frustrating as hell and I’m just tired. 4th of July is coming up, I have a 3 day weekend and I know that Nate’s mom is trying to put together a camping trip for everyone. I want to get away, and camping sounds like fun, but I don’t want to do that with them. Hell, I want to find a way to get away for a day or two, just me. No Nate, no Bradley, no family, just a chance to sit and work on what I want to work on, rest when I want to rest, etc.

If I had the money, I’d run away for a few days.