Rassafrass in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Oh Just Hang Me!!

Get in to work; three messages on my phone… forty things I need to finish before noon… this is not okay. I am just… broken. The pain in my back is distracting and I can’t quite “find the motivation” to not crumple under the pressure.

That being said, I did as much as I could before noon and frankly… fuck it. Disbar me, throw out all of my cases, call me the worst lawyer in the world. I fail to care. Which, of course, isn’t true. At all. I will always care about if I’m good at what I do. Because I want to be. Whatever I do, I want to do it well. But… there is only so much I can do. Right?

All that in mind… a friend that works Corrections in Davenport had this on her facebook page and.... damn if it wasn’t eerily accurate.
LINK: http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=cf
MY RESULTS

Your General Disposition
At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for existential security. The fear that you could suffer loss, harm or even shipwreck lies deep inside you. For this reason, you cling to supposed securities such as your professional status, beliefs, partner and financial assets. You find it difficult to separate from anything you own and to throw away the things that no longer serve you.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing

Of great importance to you now is……crisis-proof existential survival.

You need the comforting certainty of having a solid base in your life. Stable living conditions, adequate income and sensual pleasure and a certain measure of comfort are among your life goals. You want to be secure against the whims of fate and to be able to devote yourself without distraction to the things that give you satisfaction. For this reason, you resolutely apply yourself to the task of creating a crisis-proof existence, despite any obstacles which might appear.

The thing you consider very important for your sense of wellbeing is……joyful fulfillment of your desires.

It is very important to you to achieve what you are striving for and to experience the joyful fulfillment of your wishes. The thing that actually often compels you into action is your deep yearning for unadulterated, lasting happiness and inner peace. If you seek these things in the realm of material possessions, relationships and experiences, you will suffer disappointment over and over again.

You believe you have the “magic formula” for achieving unadulterated happiness, namely……obtaining sufficient funds.

It is very important to you to have enough money at your disposal so that you can afford whatever you wish to have or do. For this reason, you are currently spending more time thinking about your finances, and you anxiously deliberate on how you could obtain the necessary money. The certainty that you have sufficient funds strengthens your sense of self-worth and helps you to meet other people with confidence.

You have unrealistic expectations regarding your……solving difficulties autonomously.

You want to attain complete control over a situation that concerns and touches you personally. You would also like to have such a good hold on yourself that you remain in control, no matter what, so that everything runs smoothly. Without being aware of it, you are also quite domineering in your dealings with others, and this doesn’t sit well with all of them.

The thing I need to cope with my current situation is……a thorough solution to your problem.

You can see it is now time to get up on your hind legs. You want to carry out your plans carefully and thoroughly and not be diverted from them. You take your tasks seriously and are not satisfied with half-hearted solutions or superficial answers. On the contrary, you try to get to the bottom of things, and you seek a radical solution to your problems.

In the face of your personal problems you also concentrate on……vigorous effort.

You need a task that inspires you and allows you to give your all. If serious demands are made on your abilities or your strengths, you mobilize all your creativity and really stay on the ball in order to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of. If your efforts are acknowledged, you are prepared to do your best. Should someone approach you with unfair demands or, even worse, with outright injustice, however, you resolutely fend them off.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant

At the moment you feel most anxious due to your……distressing relationship problems.

At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

You inwardly sigh over your……frustrating situation.

You are in an unpleasant situation that hinders you from doing the things that are in line with your inclinations and needs. You find this all the more frustrating because you basically believe that someone who plays an important role in your life is to be blamed for your unfortunate situation. With this belief, you create a comfortable position for yourself and stand in the way of improving your circumstances.

You try in vain not to let yourself be impaired by your……grueling test of nerves.

Your sense of wellbeing is negatively affected by stressful circumstances. You often feel misunderstood, unfairly treated or left at the mercy of the unacceptable behavior of a person who is important to you. You don’t want to let on that you are aggravated by this, and you keep your irritation to yourself. Inside you, though, the accumulated resentment strains your nerves. For this reason, you are not very emotionally resilient at this time.

You assume an air of exaggerated superiority despite your……uncomfortable immobility.

There are times at which you feel as if you were chained to people or circumstances which restrict your personal freedom to act and move. You can get itchy when your affairs move slowly as a result or when you have to wait so long for the fulfillment of your wishes out of consideration for others.

You also feel very uneasy due to your……fear of misunderstanding.

You are fairly well convinced of your personal viewpoints, and you are certain that your needs, demands and plans are justified, but you fear others will show no understanding for them. In reality, you are often faced with misunderstanding, reserve or resistance because you are stubborn and a know-it-all. But you hardly let yourself be put off your stride.

Other people show very little understanding for your……fear of rejection.

You often feel isolated from other people by an invisible wall, and sometimes you get the creeping feeling that even the people you like don’t really love you and possibly even reject you. On the other hand, you enjoy standing out from the crowd with your willfulness, unusual views and egocentric behavior. Your “distinctiveness trip” does win you attention, but not the warm-hearted affection you require.

And what am I thinking about now? As I am hungry, staring down the clock and planning on a MUCH needed trip to visit my parents?
I’m thinking of how badly I wish the house were done. Because my mind is never far from that topic. I’m thinking how I wish I had my office and my desktop computer so that I could continue to write fiction and participate with online friends who are real life friends that I simply never see. I’m thinking of how I don’t want my life to be work from morning until night only to come home to wife on the couch watching TV, so I join her and we watch TV until it is time to go to bed. Everything about that lifestyle feels wrong. But I can’t blame her (or myself) because the temperature of the house just saps all energy and motivation. I’m thinking that I know getting the house done will not be a perfect cure all for the various and innumerable ways our life is fucked right now; but I am incredibly desperate for a place that feels like home. A central, standard, “safe” place that I can appropriately recuperate, maybe play video games, watch DVDs. Because… yeah. We still can’t even/haven’t even unpacked our DVDs and the like… because when we don’t know how much “construction” is still needed to get the house finished… we are wary about how much to unpack and place.