Conflicted - 03.01.14 in Your Face

Today I had a huge clean out of my room. Packed another two boxes, fitting shoes and blankets around the misshaped Space Bags full of clothes.

This week, and onwards, M is only receiving minimum funds from me. I am royally shitted off that I have had to ask my mother to lend me cash to pay for my car repairs. I should have had the money to pay for it - I live at home and pay expenses as I go. I don't have the money because I send EVERYTHING to M, just like I haven't been able to go to the dentist, the doctor or the optometrist. I don't remember when I last had a hair cut. We went in June or July, but only had enough money for one of us to get a haircut, so I let M get his cut, because mine is long anyway.

I need to take care of my own shit right now, stuff that has now become urgent because I have put it off. I've done my best, poured my everything into this, and now there's nothing left. I will cover his rent (US$400/month) but he can pull his finger out and get a job to pay for his food and utilities. I am done floating this boat and going without. It's not fair and I genuinely can't afford to do it.

The make or break that should have come months ago has finally arrived. I just have nothing left to give.

Aside from the above, which is causing me significant inner turmoil, things are okay. I feel depressed and lonely, but what else is new? I'm back home from dog sitting and actually happy to be here. My bedroom is my cave, with all my stuff in it. I hide from the world in here.

Had a slip up and smoked some cigarettes with my neighbour. Very stupid. Back on the wagon now to try again. I am planning a long walk in the morning to get my lungs working.

I just want to move already. I had a strange feeling tonight like it is going to happen soon. I really hope that feeling was right, I am absolutely ready to go.