My Best Friend Vinny in I am I Said.

Sounds cliche, right? For me, it was true. I lost my best friend Vinny today. He had a massive heart attack at home this morning.

I cannot stop sobbing thinking of his mother, who when her son Michael committed suicide, threw herself on his casket in grief. Two years ago she buried her life companion of over 50-years, now she is burying her eldest son.

I sob for his wife and two beautiful kids and know the grief they’re feeling. I have only lost a husband through divorce and that was painful enough. I know the loss of a parent from an adult’s perspective. But they’re much younger, in their mid-to-late teens and she’s his wife of many years. My heart and head hurt so much for them.

I weep and my heart, soul, mind and body hurt for a man who was the first person I met here and felt an instant bond with. We connected the day I started work and remained close confidantes over the past 16-years. He was talking about closing the offices and going out on his own and if he needed anyone he’d call me and I’d go work for him.

His birthday was a week from mine and we’d go each year for lunch to celebrate and chat. That’s when he nabbed me on my ‘friendship’ with Chris and I couldn’t deny it to him. He just knew instantly because he could read my face. He told me – well, he confided in me. I will leave it at that.

When I was trying to find purpose or escape - whatever you want to call my late-life conversion to Catholicism, I thought you had to have godparents even if you were an adult. What did I know? I asked him if he’d be my godfather- of course he said yes.

Although we did have a mutual little crush on each other, it never went anywhere other than he kissed me once and I, well, didn’t immediately pull away or anything. It was after a concert. We’d go to see MB20 & RT together every time he came to the Boston area. He went with me last year even though it was right before he was going to have a hip replacement. We shared our love for music.

We flirted innocently as the years waned. That was it though, at first we were married and we don’t go there especially when we work in close proximity to one another. At that time I wouldn’t have thought of cheating, ESPECIALLY with a married man who had kids. That right there is a hussy. One thing I never wanted to be was a hussy. He was always so touched that I bought gifts for his daughter when she was born. We always talked about his kids and I watched them grow up through pictures. We were like a brother and sister, really. He was my big brother and any time there was a crisis in my life? There he was. I would go down weekly for a bitch-sesh, great-big-tight-bear-hug and leave feeling, always, a little bit better for it.

Vinny was a very sensitive soul, much like me. We were very alike that way and in a lot of other ways. Honestly, other than my mother? This may be awful, but this loss hurts more than the loss of my father.

He was there for me EVERY FUCKING TIME MY LIFE GOT SHATTERED AND I AM FUCKING MAD AS FUCKING HELL THAT HE’S GONE!! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME INSTEAD!! HE HAD KIDS AND A WIFE AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS. I HATE LIFE RIGHT NOW AND SO FUCKING TIRED OF LOSING EVERYTHING I NEED OR HOLD CLOSE IN MY HEART!! I SURRENDER – I DO. I am so tired, I can’t take anymore. I can’t. I feel as if the weight of the fucking world is on my shoulders, I am buried in sand up to my chin and the tide keeps coming. FUCK YOU DEATH! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!

Last updated June 13, 2016