6/11 in 2016

i don’t really know what’s going on in my brain these days but i know i’m trying to stay afloat. after the absolute mess that i was on monday evening, i actually felt good all week. i saw cole all day at work on friday and then we spent all night and most of today together. we parted ways around 6:30 but i was still sad. i honestly feel i annoy him and that he gets sick of me but i think that’s my own brain trying to destroy me.

i also feel like i’m always fighting for his attention even when it’s only us. it’s hard for him to put his phone down which is something i understand…to an extent. at this point i’ve only come to one conclusion: that i love him more than he loves me. a lot of stupid things upset me, like the fact that he doesn’t invite me to hang out with his friends, or hasn’t really met my friends or family even though i’ve met his. i keep telling myself that we haven’t been dating very long and to take things slow but of course…i’m crazy.

and because i love torturing myself, i’m not going to break up with him any time soon. i’m not willingly putting myself through that. he can break up with me if he wants but i don’t like to give things up without a fight.

my gallbladder issues seemed to have waned and cole is still pressuring me to make a doctors appointment. i’m considering going anyway to talk about my anxiety but i’m still terrified. i don’t want to see a counselor or anything. i just want to be prescribed medicine and for everything to be okay but of course i know it’s not that easy.

everything will be okay. i keep telling myself that.