Denied, Defeated, Death in I am I Said.

I’ve officially received all of my “you’re qualified and the interview went well - but - we went with someone else. Please keep applying.” Ha, I was also denied food stamps. :P Based on the UE benefits expiring this week or next. How ya like them apples? I am secretly kind of glad I didn’t get approved. Although I really could use it. I am going to appeal – why not? I will wait for the last UE payment and then show them that. I’m not poor enough, yet.

Chloe, my eldest and last remaining chin has sudden total loss of control of her bladder. She has pissed on my bed twice now, NOT like her. She is literally flooding the kitchen. I have to call the vet Monday. For now I am going to keep cleaning up after her and she’s going to have to sleep in a crate in a soft bed with tons of towels. Oye. I gave her some dried cranberry pieces. I think it might be stones again. If it is? She’s so frail, so old, losing hair, blind, and I really think she’s got dementia. All considered, I have decided to not put her through surgery to remove them, again. It could also be something worse and I am not having her stressed with undergoing invasive tests. Instead I have made the dreaded decision I can’t believe I have to make. Cost was not the first factor, either. I have enough credit specifically for my animals, I don’t think of cost first. I think of her and her quality of life and I know what is what. Cost figures in at the end. Either way, this is a bill I really didn’t want.

Really? Can I get a break before I totally explode or more aptly implode? I really cannot take much more of this shit, I really just can’t. The hits keep coming and coming and I am so down already. How much further am I going to have to fall before I can catch a limb or a branch or, fuck, anything olive branch? Something. I can’t sleep at night because the night terrors come, fast & furious. I stave off sleep at night like it’s my mortal enemy. TV bores me, I don’t want to play around online. I can’t focus enough to read cohesively, I have no strength for long to really do anything. It’s not like I can go mowing my lawn at 2:30 a.m. or ripping out cabinets, etc. Well, I could, but my neighbors really wouldn’t appreciate it. Truth is, I don’t get very far by myself when attempting these things either. I get dizzy and fall or I hurt so bad all over I just give up. I’ve always hurt this much, why am I just giving up now? I do have more intense pain everywhere than I have ever had before now. Stress. I guess it has to be stress. Or it’s worse from the lack of sleep?

During the day when I could be doing those things I really want to do around my house, I am either obsessively looking for a job or my body just gives out and I have to go lay down. It’s then I sleep for short periods of time. Oddly, if I dream then, it’s always a pleasantly odd dream. I lie there, alone, well, the dogs are beside me and sometimes the cats. I listen to the night outside of my bedroom window and I wish I could disappear into the inky blackness of it with my dogs and cats beside me.

Sleep is a pacifists way of suicide; that is how I think of my life right now.