Letting go and believing in yourself in Random Thoughts

Last night i had a surprise date, and i am sorry to say- and i need to be honest- told a lie about why i couldn’t go on a previously scheduled date. It’s one of those things i need to work on and i might not be 100% sure what to do.

Also, i need to stop looking at people in the eyes. I don’t know what it is, but i have had multiple men in dating and other situations mention the power and energy when i hold gaze with them. It may sound weird, but i have received too many phone number and date offers resulting from my “energy”. Maybe its a euphemism for “i think you are hot, but we are too old for me to say that”

Either way. I am going to talk through my lie. Bart is a friend of mine that i met through the kink community. I have played board games with him and his wife many times now, and he has tied me up as well as introduced me to other kink pleasures. I could tell, though, that he was more interested in me than i was him- like he wanted a girlfriend when i want something casual. So, as a result, i pulled back on making any “play” dates. And last night we were supposed to meet, but last minute i got an offer of a homemade dinner and a steamy evening with an older gentleman (a piano technician with a daughter my age!) who gets me, gets my needs, and gets my juices flowing. So, i told Bart that “i forgot” and made other plans and was on my way there. I kind of played on the fact that we made the plans a whole week before, we did not text that whole week, and i did not put it in my calendar.

But what i really need to do is just tell him i am not interested in anything beyond just being friends or just being casual (i think if it was known that we were just casual, i would feel more comfortable with making play dates with him). Why is that so hard? It’s a holdover from my communication areas of concern.... Okokok, this is what i need to say, “Bart, i have been reticent about making play dates with you because i just want a casual relationship with you.” Or even, i could just say, “Bart, i am only interested in being casual”

le sigh