struggling in Songs

The past couple of nights I’ve been pretty drinky. Keep wanting hard liquor and last night I got lucky on having some friends go to a smoking bar with me.

I don’t hate my job so much as I think I hate working. Waking up every morning and going to a place where literally everyone is making more money and working on more interesting things than me is mildly annoying, but even more annoying is that my daily task is eight straight hours of clicking tags onto images. It’s burning and bumming me out. I took the day off today because last night I sleep walked for the first time ever. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL
I don’t know, talk about disorienting experience. Has anyone else ever sleep walked? I also pissed myself. I was drinking that night but wasn’t that drunk when I went to bed really, and even if so it’s not like I’ve never gone to bed drunk before.
Just at some point in the night I found myself in John Henry’s roommate’s room in the dark, sitting on her couch with my underwear soaked. I don’t really know how I woke up it all seemed weird. John Henry had gotten up to come look for me apparently and that’s about when I woke up. I really shouldn’t be freaking out so much about this but for some reason it’s just bizarre and scary, I’ve never done this before. I feel a little bit like I’m kind of losing it somehow.

I also noticed a change in John Henry and I feel like he’s keeping something from me. I don’t think he is but I feel that way. He’s stopped smoking in his room and has started writing more, and doesn’t really seem all so present when we’re together. I mentioned it a bit today and he changed his tune for the rest of our lunch but then I myself couldn’t get past a gnawing in my head. I have thought that maybe it’s something up with me that is making more distance between us. I don’t think he’s noticed. He has said that writing more makes keep him in his head.

Also Sunday we woke up late and spent the entire day in bed. I think that really upset him! he keeps referring back to it as something we “cannot do again” because it was apparently cause for his depression and anxiety the following day.
In a way I’m down but at the same time, I’m going to have couch days! And I certainly don’t want the pressure of productivity looming all the time.

Idk, just not having a great time.

Last updated June 08, 2016