Blurb in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Thought about writing an entry about wishes and the like. But honestly… nah. Because… what I want… what I (at the moment) feel like I can only gain through magic genies or wish trolls or shooting stars?

Less pain, more energy, healthier life, less stress, more knowledge… the usual.

I’m still in pain because I’m always in pain. I cannot honestly state if I’ve ever not been in pain or if the memories of those rare times are simply blocked by the routine nature of my pain, soreness, and discomfort.

As I’ve been dealing with pain, job, house, etc… I have no energy left. I am tapped out. I could use a good two or three days of just… not doing something. And I know what you’re thinking: “You mean a weekend?” Well… yeah. But a weekend where I can relax and rest. Because a weekend where I have to drive 2+ hours round trip to try to buy things for the house that is still not done? That isn’t relax and rest. A weekend of unpacking boxes and moving furniture? That isn’t relax and rest. A weekend desperately trying to learn the vast infinite amount of information I need to know for this job and have no resources for? That isn’t relax and rest.

I’ve needed a healthier lifestyle for a long time; but nothing screams Catch 22 then the need for a healthier lifestyle. Eating Right: requires planning, money, and time. Exercise: requires planning, time, and energy. Eating Right could be a good way to go… but I’m relying on Wife too much. Because she works at Wal Mart. If she could pick up healthy food on her way home… I wouldn’t have to add an hour and a half drive to the store. But eating healthy, besides planning, involves buying fresh/healthy foods which are expensive. Wife typically loves fast, quick, easy, and inexpensive. Then the exercise issue. This is a beautifully tragic Catch 22 for me. Movement would help me feel better, experience slightly decreased pain. But therein lies the rub. Experiment: Exhaust yourself physically to the point where you know you’re going to be sore for the rest of the week… then don’t get any sleep for two days straight… wait a day and ask yourself “how eager am I to exercise right now?” That’s kind of my every day. So… I know I need to exercise… but pain and low energy… added to time constraints in Job, Relationship, and House Obligations.

Less Stress. I was talking to Wife the other day and mentioned something that I think is probably accurate and just plain sad. I’ve been in Max Stress Mode for the last two months straight. I mean… moving to the tiniest town I’ve ever heard of (according to 2016 Census Data; most towns in Alaska are bigger than this one)… not having a home for the first two months… not having my wife with me… my grandfather dying… and trying to learn a high stress job with no assistance. I’ve been Stressed Out, really, for two months straight. I joke about needing a vacation and Cecilia says, “Bad idea, it would just mean my work load would be doubled for the next few weeks after I got back.” Not that I have any vacation time anyway.... or would know what to do. Technically… my wife and I have never been on a vacation. Any trips we’ve ever done were Work Related or Family Reunion/Wedding/Funeral. We have never gone somewhere for the sake of “vacation.” Granted, Americans in general SUCK at taking Vacations but… they are needed, and can improve health. And Wife and I have been married for 5 years in July… never taken a honeymoon, romantic long weekend, or vacation. Uf,,, no wonder we’re feeling as we are.

Of course I’m always going to want more knowledge. I like knowing things, I like being curious, I like being smart. But here… it is a much more practical, much more specific knowledge… a type of knowledge I’ve been complaining about for quite some time. I wish I had the knowledge for how to do this job. Just completely. My boss is already hinting around that she’ll retire and expect me to “pick up the slack.” Well… between Juvenile (which I do solo), Mental Health (which I do solo), Magistrate (which I do solo), and the other 15 serious Criminal Cases I have going on… I don’t have the first idea about most of these cases. I can write the initial reports, I can file a few things with the courts… but after that? I’m lost and blind. And it frustrates and upsets me. Abbey has given me some great ideas on where to look to try to learn more about this job… and I’d love to give it a try, see if it actually can make me better at this job… more knowledgeable… and perhaps one day even capabale

But.... that’s all wishful thinking. Right now? I’m just trying to stay awake at my desk. I keep drifting. Every once in a while the gnawing pain in my back will distract me or a sharp stabbing pain in my legs will shake me… but it is mostly fighting sleep long enough to finish writing reports, researching law, and returning phone calls.