Where should I begin? in A day in the life...

It has been months since I’ve written anything…and SO much has happened!

When I last wrote I had just gotten out of the psychiatric hospital (my third visit). I had checked myself in that time because I was having suicidal thoughts again. They did the usual changing of meds, I stayed about a week, then came home. Since then I’ve been hospitalized two more times, but these past two times were different, for several reasons. First, I was not hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital, but a regular hospital with a psychiatric unit. Second, I was in the hospital for two weeks each time. Third, and this is the biggie, I underwent ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) both times. During the first hospitalization I had six treatments, and during the second one I had three treatments.

Now, after getting the first six treatments I still didn’t feel any better for the first week I was home. I figured it didn’t work and thought, well fuck. But about a week after getting home I started noticing big changes. I was waking up smiling, I kept my house clean, I took care of my personal hygiene. I was just…happy! About two months later I started backsliding. I wasn’t keeping the house clean anymore, didn’t care about my personal hygiene, and was isolating again. So the doctor put me back in the hospital for more ECT. I was released about two weeks ago.

This last time things were different. The first treatment was no different than the six I had undergone two months earlier. They woke me up early, took me downstairs to the OR prep area, had me get on a gurney, started an IV, wheeled me into a small curtained room, laid me all the way down, put the mouth piece in my mouth, and then I was out. I woke up a little bit later and shortly after that I was taken back upstairs. No biggie. But after the first treatment this last time I got some bad news…twice. First, I got a call from my dad telling me that my cousin Lisa’s 35-year-old husband was killed in a car accident. She has a two-year-old little boy and is five months pregnant with their second baby. Needless to say, I was shocked and saddened by the news. But the second dose of bad news was even worse. I have a friend named Misty, and she’s one of my very best friends. We’ve been friends for over 25 years. I call her my son’s godmother and she calls me her childrens’ godmother. Her oldest daughter Britani is the same age as my son Josh. Josh and Brit have always been great friends. Anyway, Josh called me while I was in the hospital and told me that Misty’s six-year-old granddaughter Emery, who is Britani’s oldest daughter, passed away. That news hit me like a fist in my gut. Emery was born with a genetic disorder called Cornelia de Lange Syndrome, so she had a lot of medical issues. But she was doing great…not having any issues as far as being sick or anything like that. Then one day at school her heart just stopped. They called 911 and she was rushed to the hospital, but there was nothing they could do. She was gone. That sweet, strong, amazing little girl was just gone. I still can’t believe it’s true. But seeing how much Misty and Britani are hurting…it breaks my heart, and I wish I could make it all go away for them.

Anyway, back to the hospital and ECT treatments. The day after I got the news about my Lisa’s husband and little Emery was the day of my second treatment. Same routine…up early, downstairs, IV. But this time, after they wheeled me into the curtained room and laid me all the way down, I started panicking and crying. I don’t know why. They sat me back up and put me under BEFORE laying me all the way down and putting the mouth piece in. Then I woke up after it was over and was taken back upstairs. I was upset by what had happened but figured it was just a fluke and tried not to think about it.

Two days later I was taken downstairs for my third treatment. This time, after they got me back in the curtained room and went to lay me down, I completely freaked out. I started hyperventilating, sobbing, and saying “It feels like you’re lowering me into a coffin!” over and over again. Once again they had to put me under while I was still sitting up. And after I woke up that time I had no idea where I was. ECT has major affects on short-term memory (which I’ll talk about in another entry), but I had never not known where I was when I woke up after a treatment.

After the third treatment my anxiety skyrocketed. It got so bad that when they took me downstairs for my fourth treatment, I had to tell the doctor that I couldn’t go through with it. I was already sobbing by the time he got there, and I just couldn’t go through with it. Just thinking about it was making me short of breath and feel like I was going to throw up. He said he understood, told me that I had been very brave, and back upstairs I went. I went home three days later, and a couple of days after going home I had an appointment with the doctor. He advised that I get ECT once a month (they call that “maintenance” ECT) and I agreed.

But there’s a tiny problem: my anxiety is still through the roof. I have to take anti-anxiety medication every day, and even then I still have anxiety attacks on a daily basis. Hubby and I went to Ohio last weekend to go to his youngest daughter’s high school graduation, and I had three anxiety attacks while we were there. I haven’t been able to go anywhere by myself for quite a while now, but yesterday I tried to go to the mall by myself to return a few things and I freaked out while I was there and had to haul ass back to my car. And I cry....a lot!

Now I’m confused. After the first six ECT treatments the depression got better and I didn’t notice an increase in my anxiety. This past time I only managed to get three treatments in before the anxiety got so bad that I couldn’t continue. WHY??? Is it because of the news of Emery and Lisa’s husband’s deaths? Is it the ECT itself? I just don’t know. I’m supposed to have my first maintenance ECT on June 15, but if my anxiety is still as bad as it is now, I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. I guess I’ll have to wait and see how I’m feeling the closer it gets.

So that’s all I’ve got for now because I’m getting sleepy. I’ll be back real soon, though, because I have SO much more to tell you all!

I hope everyone is doing well. Much love!

Amy