P.S. Pride Prevails in I am I Said.

Add to my fucked up head today: I feel like such a bitch on top of feeling useless, sad, anxious and unwanted, rejected, useless.

Went to my psychiatrist today, not really knowing what to expect. His wife was so nice to me, after I said she was intimidating in my letter asking for my records. She had them in a sealed envelope and went to remove them. I said I didn’t want to read them … I would just given them to the state’s doctor when I am examined.

They saw me for free today. Dr. M gave me the rx for valium so I can try and get rid of the night terrors and sleep. I told him of my sleep walking and eating, and the new panic attacks. (Explained what was happening to see if they are panic attacks and they are). They spent about 45-minutes with me - again for nothing, on their own time. He hugged me after the session and said to call them and to stop letting the bad hoodlums in my head get to me. I actually laughed a little at that, he likened it to this: “if someone knocks at your door and you peep out the peephole and you see it’s a couple of bad hoodlums, you’re not going to open the door and say ‘come on in and steal everything’ are you? No, you’re going to tell them to get lost. So when the hoodlums in your head are beating you down, tell them to get lost.” I confessed to him I am battling a lot of rage inside and have acted out in public by yelling at a woman in the grocery store who had 4 small children and was arguing with the cashier about what WIC covers and doesn’t, I also confessed I lost my cool last week and actually smacked one of my dogs on the ass and screamed at them, something I have never, ever done. And although it doesn’t seem like a big deal it is NOT ME to ever even consider that, but I did, I smacked Dixie on the ass for barking incessantly and I lost my shit. He told me to beat the shit out of a pillow, I told him I don’t think I would ever become physical with someone unless I had to to defend myself or others. But? I do think about it.

I told him for the first time in 30-years I feel broken. Completely and utterly broken. He told me I am not broken at all, that I am an intelligent, extremely caring person, funny and a very hard-worker and that someone is going to see that soon. Reminding me I am just struggling through a bump right now because my foundation has been shaken and he empathized with how difficult it can be for someone like me to not work. I cussed out the new robo-software programs scanning resumes for keywords and I don’t know what else, but that I’ve reworked my resume a shitload of times based on different people’s advice and I’ve had it reviewed and I am told it’s good. He explained job searches are difficult to get through and it’s not like it was when you would see an ad and be able to call and speak with a human and even walk into an office and be able to drop off a resume or complete an application. Everything is automated now, cold, impersonal.

He told me I am entirely too hard on myself, that I need to take time to get myself healthy (mentally and physically - he was not happy I haven’t seen any doctor’s since my follow-up with my oncologist post-surgery nor my PCP after my visit in December for the diabetes.) I admitted I didn’t care about any of that - confirmed I am not a threat to myself or anyone else - I am not so low yet I am considering ending my own life; but admitted I do think every day that I hope to go to sleep and just not wake up.

I was instructed to not watch the news at all right now because my empathy reader is off the charts. I told him I knew and that’s another reason I am having a really hard time leaving my house. I’m sheltering to avoid that and also because I honestly feel absolutely broken right now. I am not ME and I haven’t been me in months now, this time is different than any other time in my life. I was able to fight my way out of my head and fight the ‘bad hoodlums’ up there because I had to go to work and function. I had a job/career. I also realized, adding to this fucking nightmare of being unemployed, I am compounding it by fixating on the fact that I have NEVER once in my life been denied a job! I was sitting outside last night and that popped into my head. Not once have I ever not received the job I went in and applied for!

Meh. I’m still in disbelief that he told me he wants me to see him when I need too and not to worry about the insurance or payment! What doctor does this? No other I know. He is such a calming person to be around. I should have asked if I can just come there every other day and volunteer at their office. If I thought of it I might have.

I walked out to get my records and thank his wife and apologize to her, she had an envelope with cash she was going to give me for help with my prescriptions…I declined, gracefully, gratefully and thankfully by explaining I can’t accept their generosity, that they’ve already helped me, further explaining to her that my confidence in myself has been knocked into the gutter, I have to retain some sort of pride – I cannot accept money I did not earn. I hugged her and kissed her cheek and left, there was another patient waiting. I haven’t stopped fucking crying since. Shocked, absolutely shocked a doctor today would do this for me. I have my records … I don’t want to see them though.

Yeah, I cried all the way there, all the way through the damned appointment and all the way home as my head fucked with me further by tormenting me with “suck it up buttercup” “pull your fucking big girl panties up” “stop being such a fucking whineass” “others have it worse than you” “stop being such a lazy cunt” “you’re no longer worth anything” “you’re not good enough” “you’ll never make anything of yourself” – reminded again some of those “bad hoodlums” are the voices of my mother and grandmother, my aunts and uncles.

Fuck you bad hoodlums! FUCK YOU!

Last updated June 01, 2016