Snowy mornings. in A Life Uncommon

Let's just go ahead and talk about it: I'm still not sure how I feel. I mean, I am getting happy and excited now. I am letting go of my disappointment and sadness - we had plans and life isn't going to stop. Plans can be altered.

I still need to tell the two most judgemental people in my life (and thusly the reason they are last.....I'm dreading it) - my father and sister. It is really sad that I FEAR telling them because I know the reaction will be mean and hurtful.

I am determined to make this the happiest pregnancy ever. My last three were riddled with strife and stress. And I was so sick with Gavin that I had no intentions of ever being pregnant again. I don't want to feel so sad or sick this time!

I think iron is a key part of my sickness. I don't know why I didn't think about it with the last pregnancy, but it occurred to me a few days ago that exhaustion and dark circles are probably an indicator of low iron. And duh, of course it would be low. I've been pregnant or nursing for years straight now. I didn't take any iron supplements with G (because it never crossed me to) and I think that + stress totally did me in. Instead of ever feeling better I just craved ice and cried all day from being sick and tired.

So anyway, I got my vitamins yesterday and grabbed some iron too.

I plan on calling the OB today to make an appointment. What? Yeah. But it's not what you think.

Bottom line, unless I feel that my or baby's life is in danger, I won't ever deliver in a hospital again. But I do want to get my levels done, and maybe a dating scan. It is easier to go through an OB -I found out last time. Despite my PCP being very accommodating, there are a lot of hoops. I think keeping my former OB team on deck is the way to go. Labs, access to zofran, and a way to get a peek between baby's legs if we so choose. And then worst case I will just "oops" at home (under the care of my midwife, obviously) .

All of this to say I still don't feel pregnant. It doesn't feel very real. My Boobs are sore, and I am definitely dealing with some haywire emotions. I'm also crampy throughout the day. Beyond that.........it doesn't feel real.

I forget it a lot and then remember in random bursts. Such as, MOTHER EFF WE GOT RID OF ALL THE BABY STUFF.

I think I'm going to be in denial until the birth again. But I am going to be HAPPY this time.

Act accordingly, Universe.