5/23 in 2016

thank you to all the people who read my last entry and commented/gave advice! it means a lot to me.

i’m in a better state of mind today but saturday night was also rough. i spent time with cole on sunday night, and it seemed to go okay. i didn’t bring up any touchy subjects because i didn’t see the point in it. near the end before i left it seemed like he was angry with me…like he didn’t want to talk to me or touch me and of course i felt upset. after i left he apologized for his grouchy attitude and that made me feel a little better. i can understand being in a bad mood and not wanting to be around anyone but any time he acts that way, i feel as if it’s MY fault. damn anxiety.

but i still can’t stand how distant i feel from him. he’s been doing a little better with not ignoring me when he’s with his friends (probably because i got angry at him about it last week) but it’s almost like there’s zero effort put into the conversation. which is fine i guess. if he’s not going to try or put effort into anything then i won’t either. i don’t really want it to be that way. i can’t stop overthinking about everything, of course. i’m honestly really tired of it.

friday after work i talked to my mom about it at length and i was crying my eyes out and explaining everything. she told me to not try to make plans with him for this week and that’s what i’m doing. i’ll let him try to see him instead (for once). i’ve also decided not to have any expectations anymore. before it was sort of an unspoken expectation that we would be hanging out nearly every day and i just can’t handle the disappointment anymore. no expectations = no unpleasant feelings.

i’m honestly really, really tired of my own feelings and my own brain. none of these problems would even be happening or feel real if it weren’t for tendency to overthink or freak out about EVERYTHING. i’ve toyed with the idea of telling cole that i have anxiety and panic attacks and maybe that would help him understand some things? but i’m not even diagnosed with anything. and i’m just so scared. he’s just a generally happy and social person and i’m just not sure if he would look at me the same way. </3

everything will be okay. i have to keep thinking that.