Typing This Out of My System in meh...

Gonna do this and be done with it. It does not deserve my energy.

Most of my life, I’ve done things because I’ve either been shamed, guilted, or bullied into doing the right or wrong thing, depends on the situation.

My life took a huge detour because I was basically groomed to be my mother’s companion and help mate since she has MS and it progressed. I was pushed to go to school when I wasn’t ready and ended up not wanting to go anymore. I was then told to get a job but I couldn’t find a job so my job became being at home with my mother, cooking, cleaning shit like that.

Then I stated seeing my children’s father. My busy body aunt told me he was just using me. She tried to use God at me saying he told her I was pregnant with my daughter. She may have over heard me telling someone that or she may have seen my body changing. Just like I noticed my daughter.

Jumping off track…Anyway…

Anytime anyone had beef with me the adults anything, they always talked to my mother first. That or they spoke amongst themselves and that always led to a lot of rumors and untruths being told about me. No one ever came to me and asked me flat out anything. Depending on what it was, I may have lied about it, but it’s a lie a person has heard from me and not because they talk amongst themselves about me.

So today…

My mother’s sister called me yesterday and I’m assuming it was about my son’s graduation because I sent her an announcement. Back in the day, yes. You send and announcement and the world comes out to see you graduate. For some reason, these days, high schools rent out college stadiums or other spaces to accommodate the families that want to come. That requires tickets and while I would have loved nothing more than to use all the tickets for myself, I can’t deny his father’s family the opportunity to be there. I sent out the announcements to let family know that we made it to the end. We did it. I also didn’t have tickets at the time to tell those chosen few that they could come.

Back to today…

My aunt called my mother to ask her something. My mother, who has done very well with her training, said “Call her.” So my aunt called me at work and I had a conversation with her and I told her I felt bad because of this confusion but then invited her to the bowling party on Saturday. We talked a bit about my cousins daughter (who is a month and 5 days older than my boy) who’s senior prank caused her and some friends to not be able to walk to get her diploma. She barely got to go to her own grandchild’s graduation. So after our conversation and my apologies we ended the call. Fast forward a few hours later my mother called to tell me that she got an earful from her sister. And I instantly got pissed. If she had an issue then she should have said how mad she was instead of “I understand.” I’m sorry that Uncle L decided that he would take some time off. I appreciate that effort for my son. I reiterated that the bowling party was Saturday and they could come to that.

This is why I don’t fool with most of the people in my family PERIOD. They all talk shit about me behind my back, they’ve molded me into a particular creature and then they refuse to take credit for their creation. It’s taken me a very long time to love myself, to let go of the crutches of my childhood, to shake off some of that people pleaser bullshit off of me. While I do hate that anyone’s good time is messed up because of something I’ve done, I refuse to jump through hoops to please people anymore especially when I know they don’t fucking appreciate it. I get sick of people being wounded because THEY are petty and THEY have these fucking expectations of what others should do because of them. I say this with the hardest “f” imaginable, FFFFFFFFFFuck that shit & FFFFFFFFFuck them.

And that is where I stand on this.

I’m out.

Kindest regards,
Sister