prolific in Random Thoughts

with state testing underway (this is our third week), i have been prolific with my writing. and, i need it right now. i think i have never been so ready to be done with a school year as i have been right now. and it hasn’t even been a stressful year. testing has been brutal on me and all the students. right now those who are done, i am just allowing them time on ipads and chromebooks to do whatever they want (within reason, of course).

i dont even have the energy to make capital letters or add in apostrophes.

i took friday off and dont feel it one bit. though my friday was delightful.

15 more days of school.

now, sometimes i feel a little weird about this, talking about work/teaching parts of my life, then entering into a more personal space…esp since i know i have a more nontraditional lifestyle. but, that is where my headspace is, and i need to get some words out. i am going to talk about last night, and a continuation of my sluggish emotional state.

unsettling. that is the word Jamie used for how he feels. and i understand what he means. he set a date for three of us, a woman he plays with occasionally. she just finished her masters degree and i was supposed to be a surprise for her. it turned out so weird, though. let me back up first.

i spent most of my day after a lovely brunch with my bother, his wife, and Jamie, in bed under a blanket. a continuation of the malaise i was feeling from the day before. i was nervous about our date that night, feeling sad, feeling out of it. but i wanted to have fun and please Jamie. so, that is what i brought it with me, internally. i did not share how i felt with Jamie, though in retrospect, i should have. i just had a feeling it was not going to work, but i thought it was just nerves, so i kept up.

i will talk with him about how i felt when we have our date on wednesday.

so, the three of us had a lovely sushi dinner and i could tell she was nervous. (or, either that or she just talked a lot in her normal state). i won’t go into the juicy details, but somewhere in the middle of it she just says, “i can’t ad lib” and she just got quiet and nervous and withdrawn. she spoke a little about just wanting to turn her brain off. there are some things i dont know much about, she’d had a fight with her girlfriend earlier that day, stress, etc.

she ended up on my couch with Jamie, crying. she really didnt know why (so she told him later on) and i dont know what to say or think about it. i dont take it as anything i did, mostly i was just there, you know. i didnt know her. i hugged her tightly and felt her tears (inside and out) before Jamie took her back to his place and she decided to drive home to eugene (2 hr drive).

i was hurt. but i didnt want to be selfish. and i hadnt told Jamie my state of mind beforehand. i told him to just do what he needed to take care of her.

and thats it. i feel weird. unsettled like i mentioned. it was like she was triggered or something, but maybe she didnt even know that (or maybe she did but didnt want to share). and it could have been anything. the music i put on, my personality, her stress, etcetcetc. i feel for her. i hope she is doing alright this morning, she is also a teacher and had to go to work this morning.

time to go.