Gloppy Rain and Vulnerability in Everyday Ramblings
- May 16, 2016, 1:09 p.m.
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- Public
Stating the obvious, we are still sad about Leo.
And for MJ from OD in Toronto, who did not make the transition to Prosebox but is still in touch with many of us on Facebook. She lost her handsome cat Vincent just after. In this picture, to the left is rosemary, which grows well here and is a feature of most gardens, for remembrance.
We had a good weekend for that, big gloppy rain and dark heavy skies.
I slept a lot. Under a pile of cats. I utilized my fabulous Bluetooth headphones to listen to classical music and podcasts. I do have swelling but no bruising yet. So I am good to go to return to work and teach tonight. I won’t be able to eat solid food for a while so it is hard to feel full but oh well. Soup is my friend.
Considering that I am operating on a very tight budget so I can afford these dental procedures with all my insurance expended I splurged a few weeks ago and bought a high tech lightweight waterproof jacket that goes with my waterproof pants. I geared up yesterday and went to the grocery and later for just enough of a walk to get my step goal for the day in.
It is cool, my headphones fit under the hood. Granted it wasn’t blowing very hard. I am listening to my Great Courses program on Mythology and am now in Egypt and am learning about the three main gods that were worshiped and their relationship with the Pharaohs. You know you learn a bunch of this stuff in school but it comes back in pieces when one tries to recall it as an, umm, mature adult.
I enjoy getting the big picture and some historical references and then there is all the fabulous imagery to use in poems. There is that Lapis Lazuli again. One of the gods is represented as having blue hair.
I am still making my way through The Iceberg by Marion Coutts and because I am reading the actual physical book, I keep falling asleep when I start it. It is an interesting and instructive memoir about loss, not like any I have ever read. She is hard on herself. And very protective of her sick husband, so we only get glimpses of his journey.
What I like about this story is that she is not strong. She is a mess in a very human way. She has a young son as well as dealing with her husband’s illness. So much of writing about loss is meant to be inspirational, bucking up, celebrating resilience, when the experience of diagnosis and illness and death of a loved one is very very hard.
But it is also possible to be happy in the midst of it. We begin to explore the bottomless depth of love and our attachment to the other, the one having the primary experience. We laugh; we distill precious moments into memories of connection and affection. We are vulnerable as our loved one is vulnerable.
To spare others, we don’t talk so much about how much a mess we are. Just like I have learned not to talk about the details of my dental procedures in any sort of specific way. It is too hard for others to hear, their fears become apparent and it then all becomes about problem solving and comforting and not about hearing what the caregiver has to say.
So it is refreshing, not easy, but refreshing, this raw vulnerability.
Something I would like to portray in my poems without always summing up for the inspirational end.
We are still sad about Leo.
Last updated May 16, 2016
ODSago ⋅ May 16, 2016
This is such a vulnerable and delicate little essay on loss. Thank you for sharing it.
I admire rain gear for walkers, wow!
Our storms are for the most part electrical and with thunder and lighting and a mad dash forward. Can't imagine going out in them. Of course I did at UCF when teaching and moving from building to building for separate classes. We got drenched...even with umbrellas, but dried fast in the high heats of FL.
I must read back to find out more about the surgery but did know about the cat that died and that loss...so very sorry. Loss is a part of life in my mid-seventies and I hope I never get to the point I handle it expertly. It seem part of love to feel these things. Although I do value not becoming a mess when thing are falling apart. I think it is in my case partly because of my various employments in the medical/educational worlds and largely because of the stern upbringing...stop those tears! I don't want to hear a word from you! Never say that again, don't speak back to your parents...etc. This is your dinner so eat it all before you leave the table! Odd but true that I have walked through hell and back within my life drawing from those early biddings I had to follow or !!! Or, nothing. I had to. I did it. Whatever it was. And my parents were also loving, fun, caring, wanting the best in life for me, proud of me.... It's complicated.
Hope you feel better soon, and wondering what your first meal will be that you really look forward to eating and get to have just as you have dreamed of.
noko ODSago ⋅ May 16, 2016
Thank you for this lovely note. No one who lives here actually uses umbrellas. They are unwieldy for everyday activities. I am seeing parasols lately though, it is an interesting trend as we get more hot glare filled days. Most everyone has rain hats and sun hats. I too am of the school of valuing not becoming a mess and then when I am I feel some shame so this is something I am working on. At least not feeling shameful about it. I believe younger folks find it a bit easier to accept.
And right now I am having fantasies about crunchy toast and nuts. :) I love nuts.
Deleted user ⋅ May 16, 2016
I will be so glad for you when these dental issues are over. I know what a wuss I am when I have to have anything done . I feel bad about Leo and Vincent. Poor MJ. She was writing here a little ,did she stop?
noko Deleted user ⋅ May 16, 2016
Thanks Jinn. I have one more big blow out procedure in maybe six weeks and then something like three smaller ones. And then I will be done. I am not aware that MJ ever posted to PB. She is very visually oriented and so in some ways I think Facebook is a better match for her.
Lyn ⋅ May 16, 2016
I learn so much here, thank you.
Of course there is still much sadness about Leo. Lovely picture and thoughts here.
May crunchy food be here soon!
Zipster ⋅ May 16, 2016
OH and there are peonies in your photo. I so wish we could grow them here. Trader Joe's has them; I bought a bunch and delighted in their opening and change of color, not to mention their mysterious scent. So sorry now that they are gone. I suspect Leo will always be missed, but will be a happy memory. I'm so glad you have your boys to snuggle with after your procedures.