Another Night Alone in Ultimate Randomness

So I guess that sounds depressing, but I am really trying hard not to be. The wife and I have had some long conversations over the last couple of days and the gist of it is that, really, we are probably more likely than not going to just have to be friends. It's not what I want and I plan on trying to change it if I can, but at one time, we were just really good friends who just talked online. I wasn't worrying/trying to hear her having sex with someone else in another room. I wasn't feeling that terrible black hole that sits in your stomach when something you love just isn't there anymore. Well, I was feeling that alot of the time, but she was always my calm harbor. In a way, she still is and always will be. Even with everything going on and as much as it hurts, just being close to her is usually enough to perk up my mood and make me feel better than I am. On the up side, we did have sex last night. It was terrific, as is usually the case with her. Honestly, I could have just curled up with her in my arms and kissed every single one of her freckles. I do love freckles. But I really wanted just to kiss her all over. Whether or not she felt that, I don't know. Even if she could tell, I don't know that it matters. But, for the first time in awhile, things felt closer to the way they did when she still loved me. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't put myself through that, but its what I want and part of me feels that if I explore and fight for what I want, maybe something changes. But I won't get my hopes up too much. I am more realistic than that. Still, even writing about last night, the few hours we did get alone together without anyone else, makes me feel better. I guess this would be a good time for some background into how our relationship came to be, at least if y'all are interested...

The long story starts back when we were 15 years old. I was living up in New England at the time and she in Tennessee. We met each other in an AOL Chat Room, for those of you who are old enough to remember those. We started talking and hit it off. I remember telling her I wished I was her next door neighbor so I could see her every morning (and maybe peek at her through the window). What? I mentioned the voyeuristic tendencies, right? Anyway, we talked most days about anything that we thought of: school, movies, relationships (or lack thereof). Anyway, in the three years we talked in high school, we became really good friends. Even more than that. There was a time when she said I was the only guy she would ever consider marrying. Then we went off to college. I think what happened there is the basis for alot of what has driven us apart. See, in high school, we were both good kids. We did what we were told, got good grades, and pined for some notion that we considered romance. In college, I did not change much. I became less suicidal than I was in high school, but still a hopeless romantic. I never hooked up with anyone, didn't even believe it was possible. I came out of 4 years at two colleges without much but heartache cause by three failed relationships, two of them long-distance, since high school had ended. Her years at college were a little more adventurous. I'm not saying she slept around, because she didn't. She did go down on a fair few guys (which she is amazing at), but that was as far as things usually got with her, with the exception of her first boyfriend. And while we didn't talk as much as we did in high school, we still stayed in touch. We did talk online occasionally, but we also wrote long letters and cards to each other on holidays. When I left Maine after two years, I moved back home and went to another school for two years. It was during that time that our relationship became more than it had been. I fell hard because it was what I did. And she fell further for me than she had before. We decided that we should finally meet. She came to see me for a week and, two months later, I came to see her. The next March, we traded Spring Breaks with each other. Three months later, I moved in with her and it was fantastic. The first three months were the best months of my life. Yeah, the sex was amazing, at least for me that I know, but it was more than that. Just being able to be so close to her all the time with no interference from the outside world was bliss. My heaven would be to relive those months for eternity. But of course, all good things must come to an end, kinda like this entry. I will try to fill in more another night. Until then, for those of you reading this, thank you. Life is lonesome sometimes, but it makes it easier bringing all this to light knowing someone is reading it, and who knows, maybe something I say helps you or gives you insight. If so, let me know. I am happy to respond and converse. I think I mentioned before that I am always glad to help someone through anything. Probably why I am the way I am. Anyway, enough of that. Thanks to all and to all a good night.