Breakdown in Random Thoughts

I will start with one of my favorite musicians, Tom Petty. I am not sure what it is about him, but his voice and music resonates with me. It makes me feel like i have lived a past adult life in the late 70’s and early 80’s, one where his music played a significant part of my emotional structure. In reality, its within the past~ say 8 years at very most~ that i have made a connection with him beyond knowing his greatest his album and Wildflowers (it came out while i was in high school and i spent that dark, hazy summer after my senior year and before i went to my ill-fated year at Evergreen State College). I adore Damn the Torpedoes and Long After Dark, especially when i am alone in my car on the wide open roads of eastern Oregon and Washington. I’ll have the windows down, my hair everywhere, and if its sunny, nipples exposed to the sun.

le sigh

I was listening to music yesterday when i was taking the day to myself- tied the peas to posts, dusted some unseen places (literally, though somewhat figuratively also), made my special chocolate chip cookies, burnt the back of my poor knees while reading 100 pages of a book in the sun… a song came on… what was it? Reminding me of when i was dark and moody in Bellingham, while in college. Cat Power? Neko Case? Morphine?

Ah well. It doesn’t matter. It just made me think that i love the songs that can take me back to a specific place and time… and that i am not longer in that head and heart space. Even though, it is so easy to get sucked into that syrupy, sexy, sweet, malaise.

So, back to Breakdown, there was a reason for this title and video.

Warning, possible TMI here, sexual content and i may reveal a little of my kink side, too.

I had a breakdown of sorts last night. Not in a bad way, in a heartbreak-means-my-heart-breaking-open kind of way. It was a post-coital, walls-break-down, crying (sobbing) type of breakdown. Walls a tumblin’, although its unsurprising because of the intensity of our relationship. I am surprised, though, that this did not happen sooner. I am a tough nut to crack. Its the fierce independence and strength. Which, in turn, is why i love being submissive.

Jamie, my soft, round, 50 year old highschool teaching, gayest straight man you’ve met (his own words) who loves gardening, is a master woodworker, cooks love-filled and fabulous meals. My married lover and boyfriend and Dom to my sub, this man who found me on okcupid when i was not looking, who’s wife knew he (we) were in love first, this man i have known in a past life, who can be inside me when we are not even coital… broke me down. With just his fingers inside me (cock in my mouth, teeth on my skin, hands on my ass) made my cum like i never have before. It just kept flowing, waves upon waves of pleasure… and when i thought that had subsided, he bit me (hard! which i like) and it intensified. This was probably the first time i have had a non-clitoral orgasm that was based purely on sensation, with all thinking-about-thinking-about-thinking removed. Glorious.

I had been feeling the tears well up in my lately, when we are close-like-one, but this time the dam burst and i started crying, sobbing. I tried to tell him why, that i was showing my vulnerability (but most of it was all in my head. i had things to say, but did not know how) and he was so sweet by telling me that the “boy” part of him did not know how i was doing that.

After i mentioned that i had shown him a vulnerable side, i started thinking of what i might be vulnerable about (and these things made me sob harder)

• l am scared because i need him and i have never felt like i need someone
• i am scared because of the intensity of how i feel, i fear loving him more than he loves me, or him getting disinterested, or that he is married and i will never get that commitment (i know, know, know this is part of being in a polyamorous relationship…)

Ack.

I still did not have the right words to share, so all of this i have here, it hasn’t been communicated to him.

Last week Jamie asked me how important power dynamics (google “power dynamics, bdsm, dominance/submission, or any mix thereof if you are curious about what i am referring to) was in our relationship. I was not 100% honest with him- i said i found it incredibly sexy and that it came naturally to me. When really i wanted to say, “hell yes!” … its what i want. I crave the power exchange. He told me he was afraid he would scare me (with what he wanted? to be? to do?) but he did not expound on what he meant. I was not honest because i was afraid what i wanted was more than what he was interested or willing to give. And this is a pattern in my life. My answers/requests/needs/desires are contingent on what i think the person wants. What i predict they are going to say/do and whether i will be wrong/displeasing/hurt (myself)/hurt (others).

All in all, i do not share my inner self. I do not make the requests i want. I fear being rejected. I do not opine. Everything i do is based on a very careful study of other person(s) interests, my past experiences, body language, verbal language, etc etc etc. That is the intuitive part of me, the one that makes significant connections with people. People who find that i know just what to say, how to touch… This is a blessing and a curse. Hence my subtitle on this journal, “eyes wide open, cards held close.”

But. I am working on this. Fewer words get stuck in my throat, my brain spins less frequently, walls are coming down, vulnerabilities are less buried.

So, here i have born my heart, shared my soul. Last night was a significant experience. Today these words have helped me to amalgamate that experience. I have some words to share with Jamie. I can do this.

Last updated May 09, 2016