valerie stuff. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

so i’m annoyed w/ valerie.again.

on Wed. when valerie [again she’s my mentor] & I got together. She brought up my long term goal of getting my own place. She was asking me questions. She said she could educate me on like hygiene or w/e. Well I eluded to the fact that if she did she’d be wasting my time so there really wouldn’t be any point. So basically I blew her off. I have a habit of doing that though it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. [but also if I already know then......there really isn’t any point to someone telling me]. I’m the kindof person who has one main person to talk to and everyone else is just kindof there. She pointed out I have a team or, as I call it, ‘the circle’. And yes while I do I don’t.like utilise them.

Things were fine before she brought it up. And maybe they still will be. I don’t actually know that they will be I just think that they will be. But there’s that.uncertainty. Of not knowing what’s going to be brought up. When she brings it up again. And there’s also the waiting to find out.

There really isn’t much people need to help me w/ in regards to like hygiene or w/e. Or need to tell me. For me sometimes the best way to help me is to not. which is fine so long as i’m not standing in my own way. The reason I blow people off as it were is cause.as said. But it makes it hard for them to help me in the way they think they should. And then I feel like I should change something.just so they’ll feel.needed and useful.

also on Wed. She said something about making sure what happened the reason i left my place doesn’t happen again. which to me says she might ask. and if she does i’ll just tell her i don’t want to talk about it. it’s not something I bring up w/ people bc well.i don’t think it would help anyone. The only thing that kindof honesty is going to do is upset someone so.in a weird way people are lucky i care enough to not be honest about something like that. but if you want to hurt people by being honest then ok.
The last person i talked about it w/ was jessica my first mentor. my mom hasn’t asked in........um.......almost a yr. and even stephanie didn’t ask. all she said was ‘as long as you’re not talking to who........’. but i was. but that’s also cause i didn’t care about her [stephanie i mean] and i didn’t like her and i didn’t want her to be happy so. i wasn’t going to do a whole lot to appease her. if jenn or kris asked me to do something then i’d have been a lot more likely to do it and sometimes would. although i’m legitimately actually not talking to evan and i haven’t been in awhile. and even w/ alexis. i told stories about evan but it was well i referred to him as ‘my friend’ and not by name. i also don’t use people’s names so. not like it’s that weird. and then i stopped doing that. also i already know what to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again i’m not stupid. and i knew then i just ignored it.
I’m not going to be so cold as to not turn most people away when they need help. even when i should. he needed a place to stay what was i gonna do tell him no.no i don’t do that. and a lot of people would’ve. and yeah i lost my place bc of that and that part of my life and that sucks but it also means.i care a helluva lot about someone i consider a really good friend. and i don’t care that much about most people.
and that’s not something i want her involved in so. she doesn’t know who i talk to unless i bring it up she doesn’t know what’s in my blog or what i do online she hasn’t seen the entries. The only person who has is my psychologist and i’m v. selective about what I print out and give to her. people don’t know who i email or don’t email. yes but that’s what i like about it is that they don’t know. i’d regret it if idid and i know this bc i have. awhile ago stephanie and i went through my suitcases.which i never wanted to happen. a lot of people would be like ‘don’t you feel better now that that’s out in the open?’ no i feel worse. being that open.

but anyway. yeah that’s why i’m annoyed w/ valerie as of late. bc of the change.