Days off. in Since OD is shutting down....

I was off today and yesterday and it’s been absolutely bliss. I love getting a break from my job to clean, see my niece, and just RELAX. I haven’t taken my Adderall since Wednesday so my appetite has came back some and I have eaten enough junk the past 2 days that I’ve gotten my fix. I know that I can’t completely stop it because I’ll gain back all that weight and have problems with my attention span but I really wish I had the time, money, and motivation to get my fat ass back to the gym. It’s just such a hassle to work out and shower before work. Ugh, I don’t know.

Things with the roommate have gotten a lot better. I have finally accepted that I need to see things in a better perspective. My ‘friends’ are never around and it’s not his responsibility to fill that void. It’s not his fault that I have shitty friends so I can’t expect him to pick up their slack. I know that he has his own life, job, and a social life so I’ve backed off quite a bit and it’s made this a lot easier. I can’t expect him to spend all of his free time with me. We did hang out earlier for his lunch break and it was fun.

My rent has gone down but it was still $100 more than my paycheck. I’m scheduled 6 days this week and the weekend is day shifts. I don’t know what I’m going to do because I’ve told my boss I can’t work that much but I’m probably just going to have my friend adjust my time on Sunday so that I only have like 35 hours. I know that I’m ripping myself off but I can’t let my rent go back to the full amount again either.

I’ve been thinking about Dan a lot lately. It’s just so crazy how we went from friends to being more and now we don’t even talk to each other. It sucks to know that the mask was on the whole time. He isn’t very nice at work and the people we work with really don’t like him. I honestly wish that he would just quit so I could forget about him. I admit, I miss hanging out with him. I miss him when he was nice. We drove by his house yesterday by accident and I just saw his truck there. It’s just crazy to me how he just hangs out by himself. I know that Dan has a lot of issues but I have to leave him alone because he’s not ready to let anyone in, even a friend. I’m also still really hurt about the things he’s said about me to my co-workers and how he just never seemed to care how he made me feel.

I didn’t see my niece today or yesterday because last night I napped for 3 hours in the evening and tonight I didn’t go over there because I planned to nap but then did other things. I just don’t like going over there unless it’s closer to her bedtime for fear of not being able to leave until she goes to bed. My brother has used this kid to control me enough so I just won’t let it happen anymore. It sucks that she misses out on seeing me because of it but I need time for myself too.

I’m worried I won’t get her this weekend because I have day shifts on Saturday and Sunday. It’s annoying when I’m only scheduled for one day off, especially when I told my boss I need to be off Sunday and Monday. My brother and his girlfriend actually let me have her overnight with my roommate here. They came over for awhile and I had to talk my roommate into coming home and hanging out with them for a bit so they’d feel more comfortable with him. We had her sleep on the floor by my bed. I get their concerns but they are starting to come around.

I had my job threatened on Thursday over some petty shit. This old bitch I worked with started a shit storm and got that girl that hates me all fired up. I had to get something done basically that day or I would have been taken off the schedule. I don’t know if my boss knew about this bullshit or not but I just don’t appreciate my job being threatened over someone not getting their way. I also don’t appreciate that bitch calling me lazy and a liar. I get that she doesn’t like me but I REFUSE to allow her to run me out of my job for the third time. I know that I was more than likely in no real danger of losing my job but it just makes me happy to know that in 6 months, my car will be paid off so I won’t just be stuck clinging to this job. I don’t think ANY job should have a bunch of drama and gossip attached to it. I know that for the most part we all get along pretty well, but it’s like when there’s drama, people are threatened to be fired or they are ready to walk.

I am just so over it. This town is nothing but drama and gossip. It just gets old, especially when no one bothers to find out the truth, and just thrives off the negative and even more so when they don’t like someone. I am totally ok with that girl not liking me but I just don’t get why she can’t let it go. My grudge against her is gone, simply because I don’t have the time or energy to worry about her so I wish she could be the same way.

It’s getting late. I’m going to watch my show soon and go to bed. I work tomorrow at 4 and want to sleep in. My roommate colored my hair again a couple of nights ago. It’s super blonde but looks better than it did the first time. I like it now but I miss being a brunette. I am not good with change so it takes me awhile to actually like something new.

We were in the car earlier and I had my hair in a ponytail. He reached over and pulled my ponytail holder out. I almost got excited. I haven’t had anyone do that to me in so long.

Oh and something else I haven’t wrote about. I know that my roommate is gay and everything but I do think I’m slightly in love with him. I know we have our problems and he pisses me off like no other, but when it comes to the important shit, he’s treated me better than almost every guy I’ve ever dated. I can completely understand why girls fall for gay men. My roommate can be so irritating but can also be really caring and sweet too. I know whoever he ends up with is going to super lucky. I know that he has walls up just like I do but I know that when he’s with someone, he probably loves them with all he has.

Heather. I really don’t talk to her anymore. I got sick of making all the effort so I gave up. She was texting me the other night when I was at work and I text back and told her that I was working so I can’t text. I am just so tired of people and their shit. I feel like she’s only ever made enough effort so that I’m there when she needs shit. She really hasn’t ever been that great of a friend but because she’s made slightly more effort than everyone else in the past couple of years, I gave her the best friend title. My roommate sticks up for her by saying she’s ‘busy’ and it’s like okay and I am too. I’m not a stay at home Mom like she is, I work all the fucking time. I’ve never understood why people ALWAYS feel like I need to make more effort to be in touch then they do but that’s why I’ve backed off.

My Mom is another one that makes absolutely no effort unless she wants something. I’m also pissed that I let them borrow my carpet cleaner over a month ago and I just know I’ll never get it back. I’m just going to plan to get another one because the one they have is probably full of dog shit and I wouldn’t want it back. I just think it’s ridiculous that my parents can’t ever afford their own stuff and every time my brother and I let them use our stuff, we never get it back. Again, I need to learn to not help them in any kind of way.

My little brother turns 21 in a week. I worry about that. He still doesn’t have his license or a car. I don’t know if my Dad is going to take him to the bar or what their intentions are with him but they can’t expect him to just wanna sit around and play video games all the time either. I haven’t been out there in a while again simply because I just don’t have time or energy and I don’t enjoy being there because it smells so fucking bad. Their house is just as gross as ever other fucking place they’ve lived and it’s complete and utter bullshit for them to even want us to come visit knowing how gross their house is. They have 4 dogs that all live in the house and only 1 of them is potty trained so my Dad is constantly cleaning up dog shit and piss, and they smoke in there to boot. It’s fucking nasty. My parents are the true definition of white trash. I’m poor too but I keep my house clean and I smoke outside.

I always feel so guilty that I’m not around but they don’t create a good place for us to want to visit and none of them make any more effort than they have to. I just don’t know. I can’t completely give up because they are my family but I just wish I could figure out how to not feel bad that I’m never around. I just don’t want to go sit in a stinky gross house to see them.

Anyways, I’m gonna start getting ready to watch my show. I don’t know if he’s going to come home and watch it with me or not but I plan to go to bed when it’s over. I was sleeping so good this morning when he woke me up so I want to sleep in tomorrow.