On My Side in Things That I'm Grateful For

My time in Lake Tahoe was a bit depressing. I mean, it was nice. I love the nature, I took pictures and got to get away for a bit, but I didn’t really get away from the problems in my head. If anything, I went zooming toward them. The place where we went was the cabins in Tahoe where I spent my last weekend before I was outed.

I was standing on those stairs remembering that the last time I was on them, I was 19 and fresh-faced, ready to take on the world. I was getting ready to go on to college, I had a full ride to UC Davis… but that all changed because of my uncle’s ego. It made me really angry, and I got quiet and full of rage. I don’t dwell, despite my constant awareness of how my path takes me places, but it was absolutely overwhelming.

Chuckie got home from Mozambique a week or so ago. I really missed him, and his five months abroad have really matured him. He spent the last month traveling Europe, including a week in Paris. When he got back, he sat down and chatted with me for a minute. He told me that he understood why I felt so connected to Paris and that he felt like they were “my people”. It was so great because I finally had someone in my family to whom I could discuss my time abroad.

I even started talking to him about my feelings about my time in Tahoe. That was when Chuckie said something that really startled me.

“When Mom told me about that, I got super angry and I tracked him down,” he said.

“What? What do you mean ‘him’?”

“Uncle whatever. I found him online. I found where he lived, his phone number. I almost went to his house and told him how he ruined your life.”

“Why? When was this?”

“I just couldn’t believe that someone was that selfish and hateful. Nobody messes with you. I guess it was when I was 16. It wasn’t that long ago.”

I couldn’t believe it. Chuckie, the sweetest member of our family was so overwhelmed by righteous indignation that he almost crossed our most familial inviolable law… acknowledging they exist. I love being reminded that I’m not on my own, I’m not in everything alone and that from time to time, I have people who have my back even when I don’t realize it.

I think that was the most disheartening thing about the Tahoe trip, sure it was fun and the people I went with were fun, but they’re more Cameron’s friends than mine. He’s been working with them for almost four years and I just arrived on the scene and basically shoved myself into his social circle. To Cameron’s credit, he has never once felt threatened by my trespass.

But that last time I was in Tahoe wasn’t the last time, that was just the last time I was at that specific place in Tahoe. The last time I was in Tahoe was for Chris’ wedding. With Chris’ family, and friends. I dealt with Thadd and all of the men who had shaped my young adult life in Joe’s absence. I ran screaming in the other direction.

And the previous time that I was in that space, I was with all these friends that I’d known. I actually was beginning an affair that lasted three years in spite of the situation in which I found myself. There was music and laughter and no booze (because I didn’t drink back then). Yet I was blissfully happy.

This time, I was around people I enjoyed, but they weren’t my people. The whole time I was there, I kept thinking about what a great time I would have had had I actually gone with people whom I had some kind of social relationship outside of work.

But this is my largest shortcoming, I can see the problems in the relationships I don’t have.

Last updated April 25, 2016