Falling on deaf ears. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so my weekend has been alright I suppose. I was annoyed that I was scheduled to work yesterday when it’s usually my day off but was off by 6pm so it wasn’t that bad. What really got me was Friday night. So I had my brother’s kid all day and then I had to work for a few hours. There was nothing definite about me taking her overnight so I text him while I was working and then had to text again to get a response. He finally tells me I can have her so I let him know it’s going to be about 30 minutes before I can get off work. Well, I get off work. I stop and get smokes and then he sends a text saying that I need to hurry before his bitch girlfriend changes her mind?!?!?!

The next thing I know, I’m going about 40 over the speed limit when it dawns on me that it’s barely after 8pm and I just spent my income tax to fix my fucking car so I need to slow down before I get a ticket or worse happens. I show up to his house and ask what the hurry was. He just starts screaming at me, saying that I told him I was going to be there sooner than what I was and I let him know that wasn’t true.

My guess is his bitch girlfriend was just being mean and wanted to see how much of a rush I would allow myself to be put in to come get her. I do appreciate being able to have her overnight, but don’t appreciate being told to hurry before someone changes their mind. I rush enough at work that when I’m not on the clock, I’m on my own. I just don’t see how this entire situation makes any fucking sense and I’m so ready to be completely done. I’m sorry but no child is worth what they’ve put me through and I’m not going to keep doing this shit. It’s nothing more than a sick game that I am going to have no choice but to walk away from.

I asked my roommate last night if we could maybe hang out today. Well, I got about 45 minutes with him until he got called into work and then was invited to a friends house for dinner. I was invited but just didn’t feel like being around people I didn’t know and having to act like a friendly person with a filter, that shit is exhausting. I refuse to be pulled out of my comfort zone and I just wanted to hang out at home, which is exactly what I’ve done today.

I got my errands ran, deep conditioned my hair, ate some food, watched a movie, did laundry, and took a shower. I just don’t want to spend my free time with people I don’t know and wouldn’t have wanted to be there as long as he did. He is obviously still there because it’s after 10pm.

Seriously, I just don’t know what to do. My roommate makes sure that he’s not around me much and I get that he has his own life but I start to wonder if he’s just using me for a place to live until something better comes along. It’s just bullshit that we can’t ever hang out and when we do, it’s usually what he wants to do. I guess I just don’t ‘life’ as hard as he does because I don’t feel the need to be out running around constantly. I also don’t have many people to hang out with so I keep to myself. I also don’t always want to be around kids. I like kids and all but it’s nice to have adult time too. I don’t want to always be around kids to be around adults.

I know that I can make friends but every time I’ve tried that, I’m immediately regretting it. Most people here just want to use you and stab you in the back so I’ve learned to just do my own thing. I’ve been pretty lonely all day but I haven’t heard from anyone except the ones who need something. Even my own Mother. She knows how much that shit pisses me off but it STILL doesn’t stop her from trying to mooch off me. It makes me question if I even want to go on Saturday.

Sometimes I just feel so unhappy that I don’t even know what to do. I’m just sick of people never wanting much to do with me unless they are getting something out of it. I’m just so tired of thinking maybe ‘this one will be different’ but they are all the fucking same. I’m sorry that I’ve learned to just enjoy my own company and not feel like I have to offer people shit to have them hang out with me.

I know that what happened recently is another reason why I’ve shut down. I am still really upset about that guy telling my boss such intimate things about me. It’s just crazy that sleeping with someone twice could bring on so much drama and hatred. Obviously it wouldn’t have been a good idea for us to work for the same company and I’ll tell him that if I ever see him again. I am just so tired of how mean, hateful, and spiteful people can be and that’s why I have no trust for anyone.

The laundry is in the dryer and the house is clean. My roommate has done nothing to help clean, buy groceries, or even pitch in for toilet paper for a couple of weeks now. I know that he’s been broke because of car repairs but I am sick of knowing there’s another person here and I’m still doing it all on my own. I just don’t know how much of this is okay and what to do. I honestly think at some point, I’m going to just pack my shit and disappear. I’m just sick of trying to communicate with this person. I think he doesn’t feel he should have to help with house chores because he’s never here.

I have too much love for him to force him to leave. I’m not sure why. He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t respect me as a person, or even as a roommate and when I brought up him never hanging out with me, he responds and says I’m not his girlfriend. Um, okay. Well I never thought having a roommate I’d still be just as lonely now as when I was on my own. I don’t think any of this is okay but I can’t force someone to want to hang out with me.

Anyways, I’m gonna go smoke and wait for the dryer. I just want to know why I was put on this Earth. I work my life away and still can’t afford everything. I am just as trapped now as I ever was and I don’t have anyone to help me figure it out or even listen when I need to cry. I know I don’t have anyone I can say is there for me and that really hurts.

Goodnight.