The thoughts going on in my head in Next Chapter of My Life

There’s alot on my mind. One will be I will calling the OB/GYN on Monday to hopefully prevent any more pregnancies as this last one left something to be desired.
Last night I looked up epidurals going up instead of down as that was a big problem for me. I came across someone that had it bad too with this and was traumatized from it. I guess I was but I don’t look at it that way sort of. The first week or so I did have a hard time sleeping thinking about it. But then my mind would go right to the doctor. Being a respiratory therapist I knew they weren’t going to let me crash and burn but the feeling of not being able to breath was real. The only thing I wish they had warned me was when they did take the baby out I know in the past they have warned me that I would feel pressure. I had to think about this later after it happened but then he did it so fast I don’t think he even thought about it. I’m sure he was a bit nervous, he had to be. I know they do this all the time but this was something you would see on TV with all the pomp and circumstance. In a Cath lab, surrounded by a team and I do mean a team of doctors and so forth behind the glass. An epidural that didn’t go well, a baby that hasn’t been under the greatest conditions, by the way is breech and a placenta that showed it will be trouble to get out. I know his mind was on the placenta problem as that was why we were where we were. And since things were well......crappy with the epidural I know that was part of his thinking that it wasn’t going to go well. Turns out it was fine.

I somehow managed to stay awake during it and when they did pull him out it was like an elephant was sitting on my chest on top of the breathing problems I was having. That was the normal pressure that you feel but it was worse not having full function of your lungs.

As I visited him for a follow up about a week later and was discussing birth control. He goes to me you better not get pregnant again. I barely got you through this one. I was in rooms of that hospital that I’ve never been in. He stopped for a second, and said you know it was the easiest one I had to deliver that day.
I smiled (I had heard when he said it in the delivery room) but it was better to be safe. I nodded. I thought to myself I wonder how much of it does he think I can recall as I can recall all of it. I heard them. I could tell that the whole thing was quite the adventure for him too and considering the normal crazy childbirth stories he could tell. I’m sure this is one he will remember.

The only thing that’s a bit fuzzy is seeing the baby. It seems like it took them forever to show me him and it was so brief. it was literally hello I’m okay mom I’m going upstairs, all wrapped up with only his head showing. He cried when he was born but not for long. Tiny little cries. He was born feet first and peed right away before I even heard him cry. or at least I heard them say he was peeing and I hadn’t heard him. I was shaking so bad at the time. I was freezing. Luckily it was only my arms up as the rest was numb. That was bad enough.
Part of me feels bad for being so focused on myself and not him.He feels like an afterthought to the whole process. It wasn’t until 6 hours later I got to hold him and that was when the family came in, brothers and grandparents.

Any way here’s what I read and if it wasn’t from like 4 yrs ago I would write mine.....

*Here’s hers:
i had the epidural they lay me down when after a few minutes i started to feel unwell and literally couldnt breathe even with the oxygen i rememeber being absolutely terrified i could hear everyone shouting get the consultant now and about my bp and to get drugs etc i literally thought i was dying i have never been so frightened in my entire life. it turned out (although i didnt find this out for a while afterwards) that the epidural had worked its way upwards it normally numbs upto your nipple line mine numbed upto my lungs which is why i couldnt breathe. and i needed a general. i rememeber having the general and thinkin am i going to wake up, i am getting upset just writing this i guess its still pretty raw really. i found out after having a debrief days later that my son was born 3 minutes after i had the general and then they had to work on him. i found the debrief very helpful as straight after the birth the consultant came to see me and explained but i can only remember bits due to the general and gas and air and for days i was devastated that i had missed the first day of my sons life as i still cant really rememeber much and alls i knew was the time i had him whereas when i had the debrief it filled in some of the gaps. after the labour i refused to take any pain relief incase i couldnt breathe again (mad i know) but i was absolutely terrified and still have panic attacks now and flash backs of the birth. my midwife, gp and health visitor are aware of this and ive found talking about it helps, but, and i guess this is why i am writing this, is that my health visitor knows of only one other mum this has happened to and i would be interested to hear if it has happened to any one else or a similar experience and how they coped with it as no one really understands and there is absolutely no way i could ever go through all that again *