Taking A Chance on Yall... in Baddies

So I’m either gonna take a huuuuge leap and let this be a public entry, or try out and finally see if the ones I have chosen to be on my super duper cool friends only list have what it takes to be non-judgey. Now, I am not above the traditional finger wagging, “don’t you ever do that again you silly girl!” kind of thing, or something close to it, so long as I know that it comes from a place of love, or somewhere close to it, someplace good. LOL. Because as I think you will ultimately get after reading what I have been thru, (Well, you should, if you don’t, then perhaps you aren’t meant to be on my super duper cool list after all!) I have not only learned a very valuable lesson, but been thru hell, as well as almost lost my marriage in the span of a few days. So, now that we hopefully understand each other, I will start at the beginning, and try not to make it long and drawn out.

Let’s be honest, anyone who has read my diary for any length of time knows that I am no girl scout. In the past, even, I have lost (what I thought was) a really good long time Open Diary friend because I said something about Laura and I doing cocaine once a year. Back then, (I think this was in 2009) I had not yet been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and at the time, was trying to get pregnant with what turned out to be a huge quack of a guy who had lots of issues he lied to us about, but that’s neither here nor there. She took offense that I could poooossibly be so nonchalantly talking about drugs while trying to bring for liiiiife. LOL. I get it. OK? I mean, to some people, parenting is the end all be all of existence. And for others? Life fucking goes ON. I was not, however, saying that I would do cocaine while pregnant, while the baby was in the house, in the room, in the city, the state, on the planet, nothing like that. lol. She misconstrued what I said, as things are so often done, and blocked me just for talking about cocaaaaine. Ooohhh… evil drug, What I was talking about though, is how I missed doing it. And that is still true today. I would still miss it, ya know, even if right this very second I had a kid on each tit and triplets on the way. Because it was fun. And that is the way I am in my diary. You don’t like it? Verrrry simple. Do.Not.Read.Me. Perhaps it was best that she got her panties in a bunch over that so that I could see the real her. Anyway, just wanted to let yall know, I have always been this way. I do not like to censor myself, and I do not like to babysit a bunch of people who, by using the internet and even coming to this site to read and write, should already know that if what they are reading offends their itty bitty senses, then they should NOT read it! I have never gotten what was so very hard about that. Never. I was never involved in all the petty little OD “wars” and belittlings or what have you that used to go on over there. So what if someone is faking a pregnancy? They have problems! Pity them, don’t torture them or call them out on it! What good is that doing? You hurt that they wanted to be part of your Mama club but didn’t actually have what it takes? Sad. Very sad. Wow, I did NOT mean to go off on a tangent. Ha! OK… I think I am trying to deflect a little weency bit. So, I like cocaine. BUT… it is expensive. And I of course can’t do it anymore because even tho my brain is mush now, I am still not entirely stupid, I know that is bad for me. The last time me and Laura tried to do coke, she ended up freaking out (she’s always had a much harder time “coming down” on it than I have, poor thing) and just really wishing she was dead. We said never again after that. Of course, she is not my keeper, so I am free to if I wish, but it’s no fun by yourself, and like I said, not good for my already failing system I am sure. There are ways around this rule, however. Lemme back up a liiiittle bit here. Laura is amazing. I don’t do even 1/45874th of the shit she does around here. Do you know what she does when she first wakes up in the morning? I mean, after she pees, lol? She starts picking up, does the litter box, maybe a few dishes, lets the dogs out, and then sits down to have a smoke. What do I do? Pee and grab a drink and have a smoke. Oh, and glare at her if she even looks at my way wrong. LOL. I just, I can’t even begin to thank her for all the slack she has picked up around here since I have been sick, and even before. I am a messy person. So it isn’t just from me being sick I’ll tell ya that. LOL. Anywhore… So I feel badly that she does all this stuff all the time, and I wash the dishes, I mean really wash more than a sink full, maybe 4 times a month. She’s always asking me when the last time I vacuumed was as well. She has a point there. I never do. The list goes on and on. So, I have a friend who gets Adderall. (Like Ritalin but with a kick, and as Laura would say, it’s like legal meth, which I don’t quuuuiiite agree with, but whatevs lol, more like legal coke I would say.) And sometimes she gives me some. I take them, and I am able to get sooo much done around the house. Laura would complain that they make me more “project” oriented, whereas perhaps the dishes need to be washed but instead I’ll focus on building a shelf to hold the dish drainer. LOL. Not really, but you get what I mean. So anyway, they also of course make me not have to sleep, because, well, I am NOT sleepy. That is also really bad for me, well it’s bad for anyone, but especially someone with cognitive problems already. I need all the sleep I can get. Laura is like my own personal sleep nazi. LOL. It kills her when I don’t sleep. All she does is read up on what bad things it does and can do to you. Damn, I look forward to the days when that woman finally goes blind. LOL! Just kidding, of course… a little… lol. So anyway, this past Thursday, the 7th, I had taken Aderall and lied to her about when exactly I had last taken it. I was really speedy and acting strange in her eyes, for someone who said they had not taken any in the last however many hours, and my right leg was feeling like it was in a freaking vice grip! I was in sooo much pain. I couldn’t stand it any longer, and after several back and forth phone calls to the Neurologist, they finally called back and said that if I called an ambulance, they would go ahead and admit me for steroid infusions. Little did I know, that this was just the beginning of my long and very scary, embarrassing trip to the ER ever. So I was crying at home, and Laura was rubbing my leg, and trying to comfort me, doing everything a good wife does. I was running around like a chicken with my head rolling around… and she’s freaking out not knowing what to do. Yea, it was just not fun. So, my wife, for those who don’t know, is Agoraphobic, so I went outside when the ambulance came and greeted them and said goodbye to her. They talked to me for a while and then, because we live in a weird area down past a cul-de-sac, they opted to pull their little SUV thing down to me and load me into the backseat and drive me up to where the ambulance was waiting. It took a long time for us to actually leave, and I am sure our neighbors got quite a show, because I was sitting in that SUV facing their houses for a while, all that time they were trying to get an IV started in me, and I was so stiff and one big spasm that it was almost like my body was fighting me! I got blood all over the poor EMT guy’s shirt, and he had to change, and then they fiiiinally got the ambulance there with the stretcher and I was loaded on. The whole ride, I remember looking out the back windows watching the traffic, and listening to them talk, and I kinda know doctor talk, having worked in an office before, as well as, ya know, you just pick up on it. So I was having really bad spasms in my feet and leg and they asked me about it and then I heard the guy say “open it halfway”. And then I felt a little better. Now, I could be mistaken, but I’m preeetty sure they were giving me pain meds in that ambulance! This is important to the story later. Then, later on, I showed discomfort again, and he said to, “Open it all the way up.” And yea, then nothing until we arrived at the ER. Now, I was not sleepy before and all of a sudden I was asleep. So either they roofied me, or they gave me something in my IV. Anyway, so we get to a room, and I undress, blah blah. I am quite obviously ON something to these people, so I had to give them something. I told them I had taken one of my Mom’s Ritalin, and that my doc knew I took them for energy due to my MS, and was OK with it. I did NOT want to lie to them, but I was not about to tell them that I was on as much Aderall as I was. And besides, at this point, in my mind, the two things were NOT related! I did have other MS relapse symptoms as well, but those are not important to the story right now. Anyway, so the timeline gets a bit hazy around the time after when I was brought into the ER, when I changed, and when I gave them a pee sample. After that, things just went from bad to worse. They ended up having to call my Mom, who is listed as my emergency contact, because they could not get the info that they needed out of me, as I was incoherent and unresponsive. I was also flopping around so much on the bed, kicking my legs, and almost coming off of it, that they had to obviously hold me down at one point, as I found numerous thumb-sized bruises in strategic places on my body. I was never tied down or anything, because every time they would come in and say something, I would become aware and then consequently very embarrassed. They had to close the curtain because I was flashing everyone while flipping and flopping. This was the most embarrassing thing to me. I remember them trying to ask me questions. They would ask me something, and I would try to answer them, and then it was like you know how it happens in dreams sometimes when you try to talk but nothing comes out so you just stop? Yea, I was just giving up. Then I remember them coming into the room and almost like they were showing me off, asking me questions like that they had already asked me, then they would repeat my answers to their colleagues. so it was like for instance, “Is your name stephanie?” “Yes” Do You know where you are” “Yes” Except all the answers to the questions were no. LOL! I wish I could remember the questions but I don’t. So, fiiinally my Mom gets there, and it’s like I am awoken from a dream state. She said when she came in the room, I was wild eyed and my bottom lip was sooo chapped. She wanted to take a pic of it. LOL. I could communicate just fine now, but was still very agitated. Even more so when I found out what had been happening for the past however long I had been in there flipping and flopping around and when I found out that not only had my Mom been called by them, but that she, in turn, had called Laura so that she could give her a list of the meds I was on, oh boy… I was scared. I knew that Laura was probably worried as hell. Well, this has already become a book of sorts, and I have been writing for a long time. I need to go check on the babies. I will call this part one, and see how I do posting it as public, and when I come back I will do part two, in which I almost lose my 16 year marriage, and what they found on my spinal MRI, as well as all the stupid shit I did the first night in the hospital room. To Be Continued....

Steph

Last updated April 13, 2016