a little unsteady in furious, fragile, and free

Most days, the only time I get a moment of peace is walking home from the office to my apartment, blasting music (either Panic! At The Disco or Hamilton because what else) and taking deep breaths of the twilight air (or 10 p.m. air, if it’s especially crazy).

I feel like I’m crawling toward the finish line, but at the same time, I’m really trying to cling to it all — the chaos, especially. My day jumps from class to work to job interviews to homework I don’t do to work again and it’s so hectic, but the days that are the craziest leave me feeling the most fulfilled.

And in 35 days, my life narrows down to one thing: finding a job (or just working, if I get a job in the next 35 days).

Fuck. I’m not ready for college to be over. And I don’t want to be one of those people clinging to their glory days. College won’t be my peak, but I feel like there’s so much I could have done these last four years and I didn’t take advantage of it. I’m not ready for the next chapter. I don’t want to be responsible.

Goddamnit. Every time someone asks me if I have a job yet, I die a little more inside. Every time someone mentions how close we are to graduation, I freak out a little more.

After high school, I was so confident walking into the next chapter. I knew it had to be better than what I left behind, but now I’m stuck here standing in the doorway, one foot in, one foot out, too nervous to move.

I’m a little unsteady.