Me in Ultimate Randomness

Well, that last session went really well. Note the sarcasm. Anyhow, I guess I should explain. Honestly, my last entry wasn't fair to my wife. Before I continue, I'm sure someone will say, "Did she read it and make you feel bad about it?" That's a fair question. The answer is, of course, yes, but the real question should be, "Is she wrong to make you feel bad about it?" And, in all honesty, the answer is no. She had every right. Fact is, I made her out to be pretty horrible and the fact is, she is not horrible. Is she perfect? No, but it's not like I am either. I would say that all of our problems start with things I did (or didn't do). The major problem is that I am not affectionate. That's not to say that I have no affection for her. I love her very much. Unfortunately, it tends to come out more like Westley at the beginning of The Princess Bride. I felt like if I worked hard enough to do things for her, it was like Westley saying "As you wish..." Nice, in theory, but by a few years into our marriage, I had stopped with the physical displays of affection. Sex, obviously, was one of those things. Since a couple of years in, our sex life was almost non-existent and that was my fault. My sex drive has not been what it was when we got together in a long time. It isn't a lack of attraction. I feel like she is the most beautiful woman I could ever ask for and I love to watch her in various states of dress. But I rarely ever would act on it. Hell, sometimes the thing just does not work properly, and I should have had it checked by now, but at this point, it may not matter. My solution, grand master that I am, when realizing that my drive was not enough to keep up with hers, was to suggest that, if she wanted, she could have sex with other guys with my blessing. Pretty dumb, huh? And somehow, I made it seem like I didn't care. Of course, I did. Maybe not at first, when it was just sex. That kinda turned me on, thinking about her with another guy. I have always been a people watcher due to being shy as a kid. I guess at some point, that morphed into a voyeuristic sexual proclivity. Well, the shyness and watching alot of porn as a teen because I never figured I was going to get laid. Anyhow, at first, I was ok with it. It was when the relationship with J started that I became less ok with it. But did I say anything? Nope. I let myself believe that because she was happy, I could be ok with it. And that gave her the impression, which I never corrected by talking to her, that I didn't care what she did. Of course, now with W that is coming back to bite me in the ass. But that is the other problem for which she has no fault. I shut down. Instead of being open and honest about my feelings with her, I pushed it all down inside and never mentioned a word. Of course, as things got worse and worse, I made more mistakes. I lied to her about something really dumb. I lied about what I had for dinner one night. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it wasn't what I lied about, but that I lied. So I lost her trust. And then, this past summer, I made the biggest mistake of all. I found out shortly before we were going on vacation that my sister was pregnant. As we have not been able to have kids to this point, she is very sensitive when she finds out someone she knows is pregnant. So, instead of doing the hard thing and telling her and helping her through it, I kept quiet. That gem resulted in me almost getting thrown out of the house. And since then, she has pretty much been done with me. Mind you, she still loves me and we were friends long before we ever got together. I think, no matter what, she will always want me in her life. And I want to be in her life. But I love her with everything that I am. I don't know if just being friends will be enough for me. Just like I don't know if I would ever move on from us. And as much as I would be lonely and probably miss the prospect of sex, that is not the important part for me. I miss us. And, as of right now, I just don't know if "us" even exists anymore. I have not been alone with her but for a few random days in the last two months when W has gone to family events. And I know she doesn't want me to hurt. That's why, amongst a few other reasons, that I have decided to get some counciling for myself. I need to find a way to be ok, even if it's just for her sake. For the time, we are still married and I hope one day I can say that this was the rough patch in our marriage. I want to be hers until the day I die. But realistically, I have long since screwed that up and there is little chance of it. Not to say I won't try, but it's all for naught if we are never together. So there it is. So really, don't think ill of her. If you do, it is probably because I have not explained something that I did in full detail. The fact is I just took for granted that we would always be together and not doing something to deserve her is the reason that it is all falling apart around me.