um. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

usually i’m more inventive than that w/ titles.

um so i was thinking about this recently. it’s been almost 3 yrs. since i lost my battle. w/. my ED. i don’t remember a whole lot of that night but apparently evan gave me milk which i also don’t remember.at all. i do remember the bacon the next day.
i.it wasn’t just my ED. it was the substances too. i don’t think.i want to put what they were though i know people can guess. I’d only had 2 cups of wine but...........people should never mix wine w/ other things. my soul couldn’t handle it my body couldn’t handle it.so i just.........yeah. and evan won’t tell me the details and i’m better off for it. but i think there’s a part of me that’ll always wonder. and by ‘it’ i don’t just mean that night. i mean the events over the past few months leading up to it.
i don’t.talk, about that night. at some point here soon I want to tell Lane. I trust him completely.well i should tell him. cause as my friend as my good friend my close friend er.one of my close friends he should know. i just.should be careful how much i tell him.he knows i was raped i don’t think he knows the details.not many do as of late.
evidently after that night i slept a lot according to evan.who was there.
and ya know i think the same thing happened to Pat. not the ED/mixing substances part no that’s not what i mean.i mean he just couldn’t.handle it handle things.and so he finally, ya know.gave up. thank god he went in his sleep. last summer his brother confirmed it wasn’t just an anuerism. and recently Muriel confirmed it. she knows i drink she doesn’t know how much.and maybe she doesn’t need to right now.or ever actually. yeah the irony’s not lost on me that that’s how my best friend went.and yet i’m still here. but i almost.wasn’t, that night. but, the irony.and, that.has had some impact on me.if i’m being perfectly honest here that’s yeah part of the reason i haven’t had a drink in 6 wks. and a day. the last time was feb. 23rd that’s the longest it’s been in awhile.but i’m going to tonight cause.well it’s been 6 wks. so. and then after that not for another 4 - 5.damn. and also.yeah maybe i was going through withdrawl earlier and maybe i still am.wow 2nd time as of late.cause it was one of those.if i don’t get a drink soon i won’t be able to calm down.omygod. it’s been, a long wk. and hard too emotionally. but more on that later.
anyway.
i don’t know. all the details of Pat’s life. but i know, something happened to him and that something is horrible. even though he’s not here i still don’t feel right putting what it is.was.and i don’t know the details of that just what it was. i also know, he had depression and he, - obvs. - drank a lot. apparently he had a hard life from what i heard. yeah and so.have i.