cut my mind on the scars that come with greatness in furious, fragile, and free
- April 4, 2016, 6:18 a.m.
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- Public
I really have to try to not be overwhelmed by how fast time goes and how desperately I wish I enjoyed things more when I had the chance.
Sometimes I have jolts of, “wait, how did I get here?!” because sometimes I still feel like the sad 16-year-old waiting for life to start.
Now, I’m an anxious 22-year-old who’s overwhelmed by everything. I feel the weight of the future right before me and the shadows of what I’ve overcome … I guess that’s how we all feel all the time, though, huh?
I feel like there’s so much I need to do and I’m not doing any of it. I’m blowing off a lit paper (C’s get degrees, amirite?), I can’t remember the last time I actually read for my lit classes, I have so much DA stuff that just isn’t getting done because I can’t do it all.
Tomorrow I’m back to class and spring break is officially over. It was a pretty lame final spring break, and now I’m staring down my final 42 days at SDSU wondering, again, is this how my life begins?
I feel like, after graduation, I need to take some time off for myself. Everything this year has been nonstop and the past four years now feel like a blur. I don’t want to jump into a full-time job without seeing the world and without…something. I need something and I don’t know what. Something that has more meaning than dive bars and Netflix, because that’s pretty much the extent of my life outside of class and work.
42 days. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Waiting For Sunrise ⋅ April 04, 2016
This really resonates with me; between the fear of the unknown future and regret or homesickness for past selves, it's so hard to live in the present. I don't think the feeling that you are waiting for life to begin ever truly goes away, I will be 32 this year and it still haunts me like a countdown clock. For me, the only way I really know to ground myself in the happiness of an exact moment is to be close to nature... sunrise, sunset, blue skies, the first crocus of spring and the first crystalline frost of winter... they are a pure kind of timeless peace, and escape from the pressure cooker of the mind.
loved-one- ⋅ April 04, 2016
You are not alone with your feelings... I felt the same at 19, 20, 21, I took a break from education and lived a kind of free-flow lifestlye, but deep down I was still waiting for life to start, for something amazing to just 'happen'.
I decided at 21 that actually I would go to university and yes it is HARD and overwhelming and suffocating at times. As soon as you get through it, take the time out for yourself. If I hadn't have had those 3 years pre-university, I wouldn't have had valuable experiences that shaped not just myself but also any future careers. You will have more options. Like you said, right now you can't do it all, so take it one thing at a time, and I agree with the above noter, being outdoors will help with giving life more of a purpose right now xx
cannibalgirl ⋅ April 05, 2016
YOU CAN DO THIS. and you definitely deserve some time to yourself after graduation!!