Big Scare and Bigger Reprieve in Everyday Ramblings

Compared to what is going on out there in the world this is a small thing but it has been taking up a lot of mental space for me over the last few days.

On Saturday morning early after I got out of the shower I noticed a dark splotch that hadn’t been there before in the top of the scar on my upper back from the surgery to remove the melanoma a few years back.

I tried taking a picture but couldn’t get the camera to focus and the cats were not particularly helpful in this specific endeavor. Although they thought it endlessly fascinating that I was contorting myself to do it.

On Easter I had Kes take a picture and she agreed that it might be concerning as we talked about how one of the truly annoying things about getting older is weird random growths and blotches and spots.

My specialist that checks me out twice a year for concerning areas was available yesterday afternoon.

So began the wait; 3 ½ days of wondering and imagining, trying not to fret and then starting the cycle all over again.

Who do I share my concern with? How much do I need to talk about this? How do I feel about this? How do I prepare? How do I comfort myself?

In the end, other than Kes and Nimrod and Saint Joe I told no one else.

And ate about a gazillion calories in comfort food, so much so that by yesterday afternoon I was almost sick with the over indulgence.

I had watched an interview yesterday with Nora Ephron’s son about the documentary he made about his mom and about how she kept her cancer a secret for a number of years.

And I am, yeah, that is good, the stoic’s model. She did tell her family. They knew.

And then there is the other crazy making part where you hope against hope it is nothing but at the same time you are convinced it is… because as a species we indulge in catastrophism as it helps us survive… and because we are social animals one frets about the embarrassment of it being nothing and all that concern was useless.

Just yuck, just useless stupid spot appearing I have a life I don’t need this yuck!

My doctor and the young resident were quite cheerful and knew right away it was nothing to be concerned about. It is like some weird random growth from an inflamed oil gland in my scar tissue. Sigh.

Of course I was relieved, hugely relieved and slightly embarrassed and annoyed and exhausted and pinged Kes and texted Saint Joe and went and got my haircut.

My hair person put some product on after my cut with a scent, and by the time I got home I had a killer migraine.

Bleh! Totally wasted evening.

If I were able to add something to the wish list in terms of evolution for humans it would be for us to come equipped with a little better functionality when it comes to uncertainty!!!

Oh and an internal defense system against cancer.

I took this picture Sunday of the tulips my oldest sister brought back from Amsterdam for Kes.

Last updated April 02, 2016