Was It True? 09-25-2013 in Out in the Open

Was It True? Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 38 years old. I am happy with where I am in life, I guess. I am certainly happy with who I have finally turned out to be. 15 years ago i was a complete and utter mess. 10 years ago I was still a mess but vowing to fix myself, and failing. 8 years ago I was not as much of a mess, but going no where, and lonely. I've come a long way since then.

The times when I in my 20s and begging for attention from anyone that would give it to me were terrible. I am actually quite lucky to be alive. My God, I drank so much. Passing out drunk. Driving home and not remembering it. Being taken advantage of so many times. Honestly, I am so glad I move passed that. Towards the end of those days, I remember drinking in bars and just wondering what he hell I was doing there. Looking around seeing all these drunk men and women and thinking to myself, "Do I belong here?" And "I feel so out of place."

I looked many places to figure out where I should be. And now that I am finally back into my home town, where I have longed to be for years I am being pulled away from it by C. He wants so bad to be near Lily, and I don't blame him. It's perfectly normal. But, pulling her closer is pushing me further from my family. Sure, my daughter will live by her father, but what about me? Living in a city where I have no family, no friends, and no roots. Am I really okay with sacrificing all that just so some guy I met (who happens to be the father of my daughter) can live close to her?

Okay, maybe that's a harsh way of putting it. But I have to look at the facts. He loves her. I love her. She loves us. I love him. And that's where it ends. Remember Keith? I wasted so much time wishing, and wanting and hoping for him to reach out to me. Days, nights, and finally years. It never happened. Now the same goes with C. And here I am again, wishing, wanting and hoping. 8 years this time. Am I patient? Or am I just plain stupid? 8 years is just too long to wait for a kiss. I used to want to hear "I love you." Now I am just settling for a kiss. Or maybe a touch. Just a simple reach out and grab my hand and look me in the eyes. Just anything really.

So because I have waited so long and because nothing has happened I can't help but think that it hasn't happened simply because I am not truly worthy of someone like him. And in my head I am screaming that that is absolutely absurd. Seriously? Another human being being some sort of form higher than another? That is idiotic. But it happens. He's this guy with an impeccably decorated home, perfectly dressed appearance, and manners that have got to come from some royal palace or something. Me? I am just a girl with an old house full of old used furniture that wears t shirts and jeans everyday. I do comb my hair, but I don't fix it up nice. And probably couldn't if I tried. What in the world would I have to offer him?

Love. I'd give him love. True unconditional love. But that's what our daughter does. He doesn't need me to do that.

Some days I wish I could just stop waiting. It's not worth the heartache. Trying so hard to keep it all together. Trying so hard to trust myself when I say, "it's fine the way it is."

So soon I am going to print out the emails that we used to write to each other. I am going to print out a few of my diary entries about us. Then I am going to have him read them. And when he's read them and I have given him time to think about them I shall ask him one simple question.

"Was it true?"

Her

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I wish he knew what he was missing. You are such an amazing woman. Being good coparents is a great thing but not at the expense of your heart breaking daily. [muted exposure]