I Have Missed You, Diary 09-24-2013 in Out in the Open

I Have Missed You, Diary* Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I have been reading my past entries and have discovered something. I am so glad I wrote in my diary all this time. I want to start doing it again. So here I go.

August 13 2005: I went on my first date with C. Though we've had our ups and downs, I am happy with where we are today. Am I happy enough? No, not really. I want more. I mean, I love the man. I want to be someone that could make him happy. I think I could. He's turned me into something better than I was. Before I met him, I was this girl that just got by. I was happy with what I had, which wasn't much. I know this sounds corny, but he truly made me want to be a better person. So I went out and did that.

He's in me and my daughter's life quite committedly. He's met my whole family. They love him and he loves them. I find myself longing to be around him all the time. When I am near him I feel the need to grab his hand, to touch his face, or to hug him tight. But I don't. I reach out for him and before he notices, I tuck my hand back into my pocket.

I do not show my affection for him for lack of trust inside myself. I can't imagine why he would want me in any way, shape, or form. There are more beautiful women out there. Some are more talented, some are more focused. Some are more outgoing. However, it's been 8 years. I can't help but wonder where him and I would be if our daughter was never born. Would I have given up on him yet? Would he still be trying to keep a sexual relationship between us.

The sex between him and I has stopped. It's no longer about us anymore. It's about him and his daughter. Secretly, I get jealous of her sometimes. He loves her so much. What I would do to just feel a quarter of that love. Just to hear him say, "I miss you. Or "I want to see you." But it doesn't happen. It's always about our daughter. This is okay though. If I can't have his heart, at least my daughter has it. But, what I would do for just one kiss from him. Just to try to remember what a kiss feels like.

I know I need to open up to him and tell him all I feel. But I am afraid that if I do that he'll not be able to comprehend what I am telling him. I feel he's been hurt before and had a rough childhood. i want to be able to make him forget all that. But who am I? I'm just this girl he met 8 years ago. Just a girl. That's all I am. I am sure he has many and I am sure he'll have many more. And because we share a daughter, he knows I am not going anywhere. He can have me anytime he wants... or have someone else.

I shouldn't allow that. I should move on. I should let him go and find someone that will love me. I should find a man that will kiss me, or hold my hand. But I don't want any other man. I want C. And only him.

Her