My Daughter's Father 10-20-2012 in Out in the Open

My Daughter's Father Saturday, October 20, 2012

Oh these feelings I don't understand.

Lily's Dad came over last night. It was so much like when we were dating. He was so kind and so open with me. We lied in bed and talked for an hour. He really opened opened up to me about his past. His awful past.

He told me he wanted to be added to Lily's Birth Certificate. This is such a huge step. When I become pregnant he told me he never wanted her to even know his name. Last night, he filled in her baby book all his family history. He's come so far. He truly loves her. And me.

He feels guilty for not wanting to be in a relationship with me. I am completely happy the ways things are. He lives at his home. I live in mine.

I love him. How can I not? He is my daughter's father. She is half of him. Half of me.

He has fallen completely in love with her. And she loves him. She doesn't know it yet, but her father may not be perfect, but he's perfect for us. I finally know that.

We made love. It's been so long for me. When I laid down next to him to sleep it took hours for me to fall asleep, but when I finally did I dreamed of him all night long. And when I woke up I couldn't help but hold him. It felt so much like love. And secretly, I curse myself for that. I know that I can't get close to him again. I tell myself over and over that I am not the marrying type. Why would I want to live with him or any man for that matter? I love my independence. Even if I do dream about love and holding the man I love.

Sometimes, I secretly dream of getting married. How I would love to walk down the aisle with my father. It scares me. He's getting so old. He won't be with us forever. That breaks my heart into a million pieces thinking about it. If I were to marry and he couldn't give me away or see me marry I would hate myself. He deserves to see his youngest marry.

Oh so many conflicting thoughts.

Lily's father loves me. And I love him. That should be enough. And most of the time it is. But once in awhile, like now it's not. After staying the night with him, all these feelings got stirred up. After making love with him, my body and mind are getting all these feelings mixed up.

Her

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Sometimes I think our heart knows what we need and we try to silence our mind. It is a confusing game and most of the time we dont want to play it. I hope you find what the answer is to where to go from here. I know it will niggle at you for days. [muted exposure] [p] 10/21/2012 12:27:45 AM
I am not the marrying type either, but we are made to love and to need romantic love. It is a rough proposition. [eliese3] [p] 10/21/2012 9:53:16 AM
It's amazing how great it can be to live with the right person. You might think you'd miss the independence, but the companionship and togetherness might make you not miss it. Besides, the right person would still encourage you to be your own person.

sigh I love LOVE. I'm a hopeless romantic, don't judge me! :) [Mommy2Katie]