Mental Drama in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

I wake up from a nap; a much needed bit of rest.
Instantly I’m assaulted by thoughts. Not thoughts of “what to do” or “where to go” but thoughts of days gone by and days to come. Regret over opportunities missed and concern over opportunities yet to come. The knowledge that I wasted opportunity when it presented itself, the certainty that by squandering those moments I’ve irreparably altered the world of What Could Have Been and created a world too full of What Never Was. The contemplation that perhaps opportunity has not revisited because I allowed so many opportunities to pass me by.
What a youth I was. Physically challenged in such a way as to make me emotionally unstable… but no signs of either save the invisible signs that go ignored. A super religious upbringing convincing me to keep separate from the masses, to stay apart from a world of fun and pleasure and joy. A guilt ridden sense of responsibility and duty that made me feel apart from even the members of church; feeling somehow too dark to properly fit in. Self-Esteem Issues conflicting with Esteem Issues. Comfortable on stage but hollow in life.

If I could be me now then… go back in time to do over… I wouldn’t allow fear, confusion, or other people’s rules to have such control over me. I would be assertive, confident in my words; instead of diplomatic, and quick to evade discomfort.

I consider which year I’d go back to often. Typically, I say somewhere around 1995. The first year where analysts said “Brilliant test scores in everything but math. Abysmal math scores. Better not put him in any advanced classes.” So… school, save math, was easy… annoyingly so. I’d go back and rock the math portion… get put into those advanced classes… learn to struggle and achieve instead of become accustomed to success without effort. Alter my entire trajectory.

But these days… I don’t even think I’d go back that far. I’d go to 2001… and no, not to stop 9/11. I’d finish my junior year of high school strong. I’d do a better job filming my first movie. I would at all costs never have gotten involved with or even met Aku. Her poison taints everything in my life since and no amount of benefit can be derived by allowing that poison access! I would do a better job in my Senior Year Studies. I would achieve more in my final year as a swimmer. I would be less emotional about changes to the Drama Program. I would seriously consider my options for College based on more merits than simply money. I would have a date to the Prom. I wouldn’t have spent my last summer pinning for a girl that wanted to string me along; I’d simply have spent the time earning money and figuring out what I wanted my college experience to be. I would have invested more of my College Time to wiser pursuits. Instead of spending time worrying and alone… I would structure. Study Time, Social Time… I would have built a life instead of waiting, hoping for one to happen to me. When my pain became too much to tolerate; I would have seen a doctor immediately… not postponed for a year. I can’t say, honestly, whether I’d still have tried to have a relationship with Thompson or not… but I can tell you, I would have had more fun in college. College is fun, social, and academic. But it was none of those things for me. It was simply another holding pattern… academic success without effort, social confusion and discomfort. Doing time in College because it was expected of me… but not growing as a person.

I look at what my life is now. Another holding pattern. I’m growing as a person. Putting myself out there. Reading, socializing. But it almost feels like so much of my life to this point was spent in fear, apprehension, low confidence… that I’ve placed myself on the singular rail, rushing towards the inevitable waiting for life to happen instead of making it happen. From atop a pile of rubble labeled “Missed Chances”, I survey the land before me and wonder “What now?”