Crummy Week in Inside My Head

I’ve been trying to look for a new job. I found one that would basically maintain my current salary and would allow me to work at home. I’ve applied to a few positions in this company and have always been told no. The day after I applied for this position I was granted a virtual interview. Essentially it’s a one way Skype, your answers get recorded, and the HR team reviews them at a later date. I completely bumble through the interview because I’ve never done this type of interview before. Two days later (yesterday) I got the all too familiar rejection letter. The one thing I’m really good at is being rejected.

I’ve been trying to get pregnant for a few months. I started using the ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) since cycle day 7 and it’s been a relentless string of negatives. I test twice a day, so I get double the amount of disappointment. The fertility doctor had told me to give it 3-6 months and this will be month #3. If I’m not ovulating I’m not going to waste a bunch of months trying. I’m 33 and feel like I’m running out of time.

Everyone has told me to take my time, build up my bank account, get my education and career in order, and then have babies. No one tells you that at that point you’re towards the older end of the baby-making spectrum and how nerve wracking it is when you start having infertility issues. My bank account is shot between normal expenses and daycare, and I drop kicked my career in the stomach after transferring from neurosurgery to general medicine. I feel like all of the years I spent chasing after certain things was a waste of time. I love Sam, but I want more than one baby. And I desperately wanted that job. I wouldn’t have to worry about a commute any more. I coukd leave my job with the condescending asshole physicians I work for. I could take the baby out of daycare or at least have him in there only part time. I basically want to curl up and cry. Or run away, whichever.

Last updated March 16, 2016