Roommate, work, not seeing my niece. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so that one I had staying with me before and we had all those problems has moved in. He’s been here for about a week now. It’s definitely taking some serious adjusting to having someone here because my house isn’t exactly like it was but that’s all part of having a roommate. So far, things are going alright. I enjoy his company and he’s an amazing cook so chores consist of me doing dishes, sweeping and what not and he does laundry and cooks.

I’m still working way too much and I have to cut back. I let my boss know that I just want evenings from here on out and want Sunday’s and Mondays off. I am honestly going to start saving for a vacation. I definitely need a break and must have one before I completely lose my mind. Sleep is still no where near as much as I need and feel like I’m going to become emotionally unstable if I don’t start getting more than I do.

Adderall is a motherfucker and I’m honestly sorry that I ever started taking it in the first place. I don’t take it everyday because I don’t need my anal tear keeping me in pain but the withdraw from this shit is more intense than I ever could have imagined and apparently you can have symptoms for quite some time after you stop taking it all together. I take it when I absolutely need it but on the days I don’t take it, I can tell I’m not the same person. I think really mean things about people, even the ones I like and feel so guilty. I don’t see myself ever being completely off of it because of the bullshit I feel when I’m not on it and I’m scared of gaining a bunch of weight back because I have to have something that curbs my appetite but I can’t deal with the anal tear, being dehydrated as fuck and feeling like I’m just going to crash without it either. I honestly don’t know what to do.

My roommate wakes me up unGodly early every morning and that’s really starting to become a problem. I am not a morning person and I hate getting up early and being up all day and then having to be at work until 10 or 11 at night. I am honestly scared I’m going to flip out on him eventually. I am fucking tired and I get tired faster than people who aren’t diabetic.

I have spent a ridiculous amount of money on car repairs and if anything else comes up, I am seriously going to fucking lose it. Lately, every time I turn around one of them has to go to the shop and I seriously can’t keep doing it. I am so grateful for what I have and thank God everyday I got my baby back but I seriously can’t keep dumping money into these cars.

My brother and I are at war again about not seeing his daughter. I am just so over trying to reason with someone who doesn’t understand that I have to work alot so my time is limited and I can’t just drop whatever I’m doing to see her. I feel like his expectations are too fucking high and I also can’t handle how shitty and demanding he gets about me seeing her so that gives me more reason to stay away. I am not going to deal with someone that’s trying to force me to do anything, especially when it comes to my free time. If I’m not at work, I’m on my clock. I even work in a place where no one is forced to do anything, you just do it cuz you want to.

He said that it’s bullshit that she can’t rely on me to be there for her, that it’s unreal to him how I won’t see her because I’m mad at him and she shouldn’t have to suffer because I have ‘life issues’ and it’s like okay, what are my life issues?!?!? These things called bills that require me to work so I can live a halfway decent life?!?!!? I’m sorry that I don’t get housing, food stamps, free health insurance, and big income tax checks like they do. I have done it all on my own for so long and the only time I feel truly alive is when I’m working because I’m making money to stay alive.

I had locked my keys in my car the other night at work and I called him hoping he would help. Ya’ll wanna know what he did?!?! He laughed! Yes, that’s 100% true. Not only would he not help, but fucking laughed at me. So, why would I want to take his daughter on weekends so he can get drunk and essentially help him out with free babysitting and making sure to follow their rules when I have her but he can’t EVER FUCKING HELP ME!!! Agreed, his child shouldn’t have to suffer because of any of this but I just can’t always take her on my days off because I always have shit to do and would like to get some motherfucking sleep! Him and his girlfriend work 2 days a week (each) and don’t have the financial stress that I do.

I am honestly sorry that I ever fought so hard to see after that blow up 2 years ago. It’s just not worth the stress, hassle, and heartache it’s caused me. I even sent him a list of bills and amounts that I have to pay every month and yet the fucker is STILL sitting there telling me that I need to make her more of a priority and learn how to put her first. I worked 50 hours a week for almost 4 months and took her on my 1 night off a week and now that I don’t take her because I can’t every time I have a fucking day off than I’m the bad guy.

Whatever. I have to go shower.