Updates in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Sometimes… I just need to get out of the echo chamber. I spend so much time around negativity (Wife, Jail) and so much time following the news (Divisions, Negativity, Hatred)… that the world as it exists gets clouded for me.

It took me until Law School to find friends. That isn’t exactly true. I have friends from Best Buy and a few from High School… but none from College. The two friends I have from High School are because they helped me weather Aku… and I don’t really see or speak to them much. The three I have from Best Buy are because we accidentally discovered mutual interests in Video Games… which; these days, who doesn’t like a video game or two? (Yes, games on your phone count). In Law School… I found people that I really connected with. The kind of people for whom you specifically move plans around. It was the first time I realized, fully, that I could be accepted as I am. No hiding that I like board games and comic books; no pretending that video games and anime and movies aren’t awesome… for the first time I could really let my freak flag fly.

However… since it took me so long to find a place where I could just be myself and have people take me as I am… I’m still trying to push past the stereotypes that have been assigned to me and my type of person. Because growing up… if you exhibit “traits”… you’re automatically lumped in and hear all of them. Particularly… Video Game/Comic Book/Board Game type: White, nerdy, dorky, typically male, socially unappealing, etc. While I tend to reject that as truth… it has entered into my lexicon for “who to expect” when I attend events or places of my particular milieu. This came up today and I was pleased (and then contemplative) at the surprise.

My Pathfinder group hasn’t met in a month. We couldn’t all get together today, but the DM and the other attorney in that group were free today so we all decided to get together. They decided to take me to an awesome place called SpielBound. Right off the bat; you know it’s an interesting and kooky place because the name is awesome. Playing on the idea, of course, of Spell Bound… when you peel back the initial layer, spiel is German for the word Game. The business is a cafe where you can play all manner of Board Game, Table Top Game, Card Game… loads of things. So… the name is dorky and clever. Perfect. It was a blast and I extremely enjoyed myself. Learning to play new games, enjoying the different challenge levels to everything. And the place filled up. And it wasn’t just nerdy white boys. There were people of every gender… of every ethnicity… of every age… of vastly different fitness levels, aesthetics, social statuses. It was a sampling of our world… all enjoying these “dorky” hobbies of Dungeons and Dragons; or Settlers of Catan; or Defenders of the Realm; or any other game on tap. It was beautiful.

And as I took stock of the wide variety of people in there enjoying themselves… my thoughts turned a bit south. Because of course they did. I started thinking… I started dating and eventually married Wife because she was the only person I’d met that (at the time) (1) seemed to find me attractive; (2) was willing to tolerate my presence; and (3) had similar enough Geeky interests. I mean… a woman willing to be with me that knows every Star Trek series and loves Neil Gaiman? I’d never met one!

But now? In that room? It opened possibilities I’d never known existed.... I mean, especially compared to the present. Wife no longer finds me attractive (or if she does, she hides it by repeatedly commenting on how I’ve gained weight). She certainly no longer tolerates my presence… I’ve written about it before but she’s happiest having nothing to do with me provided I can be reached if/when she needs me for something. And interests? She’s become so overwhelmed with negativity and Victim Mentality about her life that she doesn’t pursue or find joy in any interests any more. She says she’ll play video games and then decides she doesn’t want to. She’s forgotten every geeky factoid she used to rock out on in Trivia. She no longer reads. What minute interest she may have had in Table Top or Board Games is gone. Essentially… all we share now is (1) Lost Girl (TV Show), (2) Lucifer (TV Show), (3) Face Off (TV Show), Rick and Morty (TV Show), American Dad (TV Show), a desire to get the hell out of Omaha, and love for my family. Other than a bed, that’s pretty much all we share now.

Meanwhile… I saw a sea of people of all shapes and sizes sharing a passion of mine together. Certainly not for the first time, I wondered… was marrying Wife a mistake?

Of course… to play the other side of the table for a minute. “If I think that, why not just get a divorce?” (1) I brought Wife to Omaha where all of these changes really took place; I owe it to her to see if she’ll snap back (or at least begin to recover) in a different environment. (2) She’s my family now; no matter what, I have to exercise every available option or opportunity to make this work. (3) I’m unemployed with no prospects mostly living off of her earnings and my family’s generosity… and that’s been true for almost our entire marriage… it would be super shitty to bail right now… like, “Thanks for the help, I’ma fuck out. Bye!”

Large parts of me love my wife. When she isn’t ranting with fury, criticizing me, or spewing negativity… she’s awesome. It is just… in the last four years… she’s greatly increased her ranting with fury, her criticizing me, and her spewing negativity.

Last updated March 06, 2016