Blind Fool. in Friends With the Benedicts

I’ve been going over and over in my head whether or not to even write this entry. For the most part, I don’t come here to talk bad about my wife. I don’t believe that anyone should, even when a particularly bad argument has happened, because for most people, it is bound to be better the next day, and then all people will remember is the bad stuff you have written. But this doesn’t fall into that category, because no matter how strong our relationship may be, the actions that happened will never change or go away, as much as I wish they would.
My wife admitted to me the other night, that ten years ago in Iowa, she had an emotional affair and contemplated leaving me to be with the other girl. I was around while she was chatting on the computer with her and talking to her on the phone, but I thought that it was something completely different. See, she was drinking a lot back then, having just had to quit her job due to her agoraphobia, and really looking for something to occupy her mind. I thought or rather, she told me, that she was playing this girl. Trying to see if she could get her to fall in love with her. Behind the scenes we would make fun of her, call her names, etc. Once I heard her tell her that she loved her before hanging up but she assured me that it was all part of it, she just had to keep up appearances. Turns out that she had gone looking for someone to talk to, much the same way she had looked for me. She even used AOL and the same keywords to find the girl. That part made me pretty sick. I sobbed for hours, while she told me how sorry she was. She said that she was going to tell me, but rationalized that it would only serve to make her conscience feel better and me only feel bad. Well, I told her, ya know, I didn’t have to tell you about kissing Jenni, it’s the same principal. She agreed and said she was a hypocrite. I just don’t know how to deal with all of this. I am not used to being the one that is hurt. I am used to being the one that hurt her. As bad as that sounds, unfortunately that’s the way it has gone in our 16 years. I cheated on her, sexually, early on, then I kissed Jenni while at home before I came back from having cheated on her, then I left her a note and went to FL without telling her. Those are my crimes. Now she has one. I’ve always called her the “perfect” one, who has done no wrong. Welp, not anymore! This hurts sooo bad. It’s funny, well not haha funny, but ya know, that you never think how easy it is to lose trust in someone. Like, I never thought I could feel that way about her. She was perfect. I feel like such an idiot. And I don’t know if there is anything she hasn’t told me… she says no and before, I could always trust that she would never lie to me. Never. I’m just so hurt and broken right now.... Oh, and the bitch called our house. Yea. More on that later.

Steph